What's a Delmer Look Like?

June 29, 2008

Kidney Stones

The other day my oldest asked me some questions about kidney stones. One of the questions was, "Do you know anybody who's had kidney stones?"

"Yes," I said, "Mike O from work and my friend Dave."

"Blog Dave?" he asked, forcing me to eventually create a sentence of which I was unsure of the punctuation.

"Yes. Blog Dave."

I'm not sure if I should feel that it's awesome that the world seems to be shrinking which, I think, will somehow make it more friendly (would we be so quick to invade if we had an awareness that Evil Dictator X was evil as he blogged about how he was struggling with kidney stones?) since my kids know the names of some of the bloggers I read or if I should be concerned that the fact the boys know the names of some of the bloggers I read means I need to get out more.

[Man! That is an incredible paragraph! What a perfect end to your Sunday.]

 

Technorati Tags: Blogging, Blogs, Health

Posted by delmer at 11:34 PM | Comments (12)

June 15, 2008

Injury Update

You've probably spent the last couple of days worrying over just how that injury to my rib area (or spleens) has played out. 

Well, let me tell you, I did something uncommon for me and most men. I took a couple of days off from doing anything exercise related. You know, just to give it a chance to heal.

Saturday I started lifting weights again and I'm happy to report the only thing it seems I can't do is flyes. Flyes are done by lying on a bench with a couple of dumbells, I use the ones I've named Bush and Cheney, extended above your chest and lowered laterally in a sweeping motion. Kind of. And then back up.

Ahnuld used to describe it as: Lahke yu hahgin a trwee.

He also used to say, "eatin's not cheatin'" but that wasn't so much about lifting weights as it was lifting skirts.

Flyes seemed like they'd be a problem as soon as I tried to lay back with the dumbells. As the motion involved in laying back and the motion involved in doing the exercise are different I'd hoped that things would be OK once I was in position with the weight above my chest. However, it was not to be.

With the dumbells on the floor I took a moment to analyze what went wrong as I hadn't had any trouble doing bench press. I got to the "Both exercises involve weights suspended at arm's length" thought when it hit me. The weight is not suspended. I'm holding it there. If it were suspended I'd be benching an actual ton and doing flyes with Ford Fiestas. 

I'll try flyes again this Tuesday but I'll drop the weight a bit. I'll probably use BMW Isettas.

You might recall my big worry involved squats. There was no issue with them at all and when I realized there wasn't going to be a problem it all made sense. I've got halfway decent legs and if I wasn't able to squat for a year I'd still have halfway decent legs due to genetics.

Lats are another thing.

If you were to ever see me naked, and the opportunity may present itself sooner than you'd like, you'd notice I have nothing in the way of lats. Which is surprising as I work them. I do three sets of 12 of  pull downs and the same for seated rows, and when I twang the wire I use a two-handed grip and pull away at a 90 degree angle from the center of my body (I do one set of, oh what? One hundred? Two hundred? Thirty? It's hard to count and keep any sort of fantasy going). All three of these exercises hit the lats pretty hard.

I'm happy to report that lat work wasn't a problem either.

And riding the bike isn't any trouble at all. So, as injuries go, things could be worse.

Well, it's getting late. I'm going to shower, do some lat work, and hit the bed.

The (blurry) photo on this page is of Samson in his new dirt bike helmet.  

Technorati Tags: Cycling, Health, Injuries, Working out

Posted by delmer at 11:30 PM | Comments (8)

June 13, 2008

Blood Work Update: June 2008

As you know I have a pituitary tumor that causes hormone problems. At one point I was taking 3 mg of Dostinex weekly in doses of 1.5 mg (three pills) at a time. To de-confuse that a little it would have been six pills a week and if you multiply that by 4.3 weeks per month it comes to 25.8 pills monthly (of course, that's not how it worked out, that's just average).

At $31.00 a pill, for the non-generic, it comes to $800 per month or about $9600 per year. I'm sure that's not what my insurance company paid but when you consider the pills are the size of Tic Tacs, and you get about 100 of those for a dollar (and minty-fresh breath to boot) it seems like quite a markup.

Blah blah blah. Enough pseudo-bitching.

I've been taking .25 mg per week for something like the last six months. This is 1/2 pill per week and I guess that would still be $15.50 weekly or $806 annually. And while I still have to supplement with something else for kissable freshness, it is a serious improvement.

Anyway, I got yesterday's blood work back and my Prolactin is at 8.6 (where 2.1 to 17.7 is normal). So I'm doing fairly well.

I'm down three pounds from last time as well.

And in the mornings I can cut diamonds.

The Hormone Table (will be updated this weekend with the new data).

While I still haven't done anything to make it look pretty, the most-recently edited version of my Hormone Tale is on another blog.

The photo in this entry is of my fridge. You'll notice things on it like outdated coupons for Mel's Diner, the Bicycle Magazine gloves review, things my kids have made and picture after picture of my children, nieces and nephews. 

Technorati Tags: Pituitary, Prolactin, Health

Posted by delmer at 8:09 AM | Comments (13)

June 6, 2008

A Health Update and Obliques Question

I get blood drawn on Thursday to have my hormones checked. I expect that my prolactin will have gone up just a bit as I couldn't be taking a smaller amount of Cabergoline. We'll see what happens.

On the cycling front I have have a question for any other cyclers (or just people with opinions). And maybe I should explain what happens. On The Mighty Schwinn I'd get various aches and pains after pedaling around for a while; I recall thinking that I could do 45 miles each and every day without any leg burning as that's when they seem to go to hell — and then, of course, I had a day of 50 or 60 miles without any thigh discomfort which led me to write down everything I'd eaten that day as it may have been a nutrition issue. (The interesting thing about the thigh burning is that by the time you get it you're tired anyway and want to take a break but not pedaling hurts more than pedaling does.)

Anyway, the leg discomfort doesn't always come along.

What does always come along is a pain in my obliques and I remember the first time I got it. I thought something like, "What's up with my obliques?" and then slipped into, "What makes me think those are my obliques? How would I know that's what they are? Where have I heard that term? How come my high school physiology teacher isn't around when I need him to witness that I actually remembered something from his class? Is it too late to get that "B" changed to an "A"?

And then the muscles I thought were my obliques would pain me a bit and I'd sit up and stretch some. (I Googled for this when I got home, and the muscles are my obliques; they run on either side of your torso just under the love handles.)

Two years ago I read about exercises I could do to strengthen them (riding a bike makes then uncomfortable but does nothing to make them stronger). Unfortunately, one of the exercises was not reading so just reading about what to do was not enough to do any strengthening of the core. Oh, whenever you read about obliques it's often part of an article called something like, "Strengthen Your Core and Meet More Chicks." Okay, that's not true and it's my guess that obliques get overlooked as they have no chick-drawing ability. But "core" is always there.

The "core" muscles, and I'm not going to do any sort of fact checking, are the abs, back, obliques and maybe one or two other things. If your abs were Scotland and your back were England your obliques would be Wales; seemingly unimportant, off to one side, and rarely thought too much about (but lovely in the spring). [Forgive me as I type "Wales" and "Wales" two more times; I needed them for the links.]

And this is part of my problem. I do squats several times a week and had been sort of hoping they might be catching the obliques some. Yes, yes, yes! I know how muscle groupings work and am aware that squatting doesn't catch everything and is unlikely, for example, to provide bulging biceps. However, squatting does hurt just a little bit sometimes (in a good way) and requires good posture so as to not get hurt. As you may recall from elementary school good posture was the key to happiness, fame and fortune and when you combine the good posture with the knowledge that squats work the glutes (ass) lower back and is often mentioned in sentences that contain, "to improve your core strength," I hoped they might be catching the obliques in peripheral sort of way.

 (Even though a part of me knew that was unlikely.)

And that's how we got where we are today.

On The Mighty Schwinn the obliques eventually get to aching but it likely comes at 90 minutes.

On The New Bike I'm getting uncomfortable fifty minutes.

I'm stretched out more on TNB due to the bike's geometry (and who said you'd never need geometry after you left school?), and this is probably good as I'd get to feeling cramped on The Mighty Schwinn toward the end of a ride (I've taken steps to stretch the Schwinn out a bit). I've had TNB adjusted a couple of times to decrease the amount of stretch and weight on my hands (that is, I'm not in a very aggressive riding position; my handlebars are about an inch higher than my seat). The point is, TNB seems to be set up right, or at least more right. 

What I need to know is: Has anybody had any success getting the obliques to quit aching while riding? Do the exercises help? Will there always be some discomfort? Do I just need to butch up a bit?

I've been doing an exercise that mimics chopping wood as if you were chopping from left to right and then right to left (using 9 pounds). Also some crunches that focus more on the obliques.

Are there any other tricks?

Technorati Tags: Cycling, Prolactin, Pituitary

Posted by delmer at 7:22 AM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

June 3, 2008

Health Care

I think you should all read today's entry at Clusterfook. 

Posted by delmer at 3:10 PM | Comments (0)

June 2, 2008

My Sunday: Part II

[Technical difficulties have made this even later than I'd thought it might be.]

In yesterday's post I told you all about the exiting gardening life I led on Sunday. Due to the extreme amount of sunshine that Sunday brought with it I decided to knock off early to take the new bike (TNB) on its First Big Ride. 

I say First Big Ride, not because it was going to be the longest for TNB (though it turned out that way) but because the route would take me the farthest I'd been from home on TNB — a bike that sorely lacked any of the survival tools the Mighty Schwinn had attached to it.

So I thought I'd better get some.

Having had a good bicycle-buying experience at Bike Source I decided to let them fulfill my wedge bag and tire-pump needs. I was on their doorstep at 4:15 and by 4:15:10 had verified, without a doubt, that their Sunday hours ended at 4 p.m. Ah well, Performance was just down the road.

I'd tried to buy a wedge bag a few days before but had gotten lost in all the choices and gone home empty handed. Sunday, however, my favorite blonde salesgal made the mistake of asking if she could help me and in short order I'd picked up a wedge bag, frame-mount pump, bottle carrier, inner tube, and a so-cars-can-see-me headlight.

I got a carbon fiber bottle carrier as I don't want to start putting heavy bits and pieces on TNB. Well, that's not really the case; as I've mentioned before I come in at 242 and I find it hard to believe that, unless I start using lighter-than-air add-ons or components made by Briggs & Stratton, anything I mount to the bike is going to affect performance that much. I got the carbon fiber bottle carrier because it was sleek looking and the same color (sort of) as TNB.

Blah blah blah… I had everything mounted and was on the road by 6 p.m.

About five miles into the ride I noticed I'd left my water bottle, full of ice water, at home. Right next to, I'm guessing, my tire levers. Oh well, the best laid plans.

My original intent was to put in 20 miles doing ten out and then ten back. Since the wind was beating me up on the way out I figured it would be pushing me on the way home, making those miles free sort of. So I called an audible and went for 15 out that eventually became a smidge over 16.

TNB rides very well; I can't believe how smooth it is. And while I'm guessing it's a bit more aerodynamic than The Might Schwinn I still possess the air-tunnel footprint of a Kenworth. Which is to say that most of the first 15 miles required a fair amount of pedaling to produce an average speed of just over 15 mph (at some points I was globbing along at 12 and 13).

Then came the turnaround. I honestly expected to be cruising around at 25 mph without too much effort; it's happened before on The Mighty Schwinn, and it's always dreamy when it happens.

It was not to be, however. Sure, 16 and 17 came without too much trouble and there were periods of 22 mph, but never did I feel as if I were being rewarded for putting up with the amount of wind I had to tolerate on the way out.

(Good Lord. I just reread that and you'd think I was out there trying to build the pyramids with a kid's pail and shovel instead of pedaling a bicycle around. Woe is frikkin' me.)

Did I mention I got laid at the end of the ride?

I didn't.

Technorati Tags: Cycling

Posted by delmer at 3:48 PM | Comments (7)

May 26, 2008

Big Loads

I took the new bike out before breakfast this morning. I've read that you burn more fat exercising on an empty belly and figured what the hell. I've no idea if that's true as I read a lot of things and a lot of it contradicts something else I've read.

I don't often bicycle when I have the boys as I'm afraid someone will smash into me and one of my children will answer a knock at the door to find a police officer there and me, in the background, strapped across the hood of his car. But, it was Sunday morning and I figured if I got on the road early enough I could beat the churches letting out. (Christians will smash into you just as fast as the heathen hordes. Catholics are especially likely to hit you as they often have trouble seeing a bicycle past the St. Christopher statue they have mounted to their dash.)

As I pedaled along — and it was a beautiful morning with a lot of bicycles and joggers out — I happened across something that I thought had good blogging potential. As I approached a narrow cross street there was a woman jogger. She'd entered the road a bit and was jogging in place as she waited for traffic to pass and I couldn't help but think, "take a break, lady."

I am fully aware of how I look when I cycle. As a matter of fact the new shorts, with the better padding, make it look like I'm carrying a big, lumpy, load in my drawers if you catch me from the back (this photo has some underwear lines, too — a bonus for all the WADLL readers):

I accept this as the same shorts, from the front, give the impression I'm carrying if not a big, at least a pointy, load. The kind of load that I like to suppose would lead a woman to say to herself, "I wonder what that might feel like?":

Anyway. Cyclists are a colorful and well-padded lot and those of us who don't take ourselves too seriously realize we look just a bit goofy. And we do. (Except for the women who are all incredibly hot, and not in a human-furnace kind of way, in Lycra.)

So, there was the gal jogging in place in the road which led me to the "take a break" thought. And the reason I had that thought is that it looks odd. I know it's supposed to keep the muscles warm but, really, we're talking about jogging in place for ten seconds or so. How cold are the muscles likely to get? I don't pedal backwards at stoplights (I use this time to gasp for air).

As I pedaled along it occurred to me my real "issue" with this is that I knew a guy who was a royal asshole, know-it-all, egomaniac who, I was sure, jogged in place not so much to keep his muscles warm but to say to the world, "Look at me. I'm jogging in place." (You had to know the guy. He's the kind who'd wear cycling shorts to tell the world, "Look at me. I've got a pointy man-tool.")

And I decided to get over it. I mean, what's the harm in having women who are in pretty good shape jogging slow-motion like (in all their jiggly goodness) here and there. Hum some bad jazz or the theme to Baywatch and it wouldn't be hard to fill your drive to work with periodic snippets of soft-core porn. 

As I said earlier in this post I hit the road early to try to beat the post-church exodus. And I almost made it. As I was pedaling down Dublin Road (and composing this post in my mind — it's a lot funnier with a bit of oxygen deprivation working for you. Try holding your breath and rereading it and you'll see what I mean) I approached one of the Methodist Churches. There was a red SUV getting ready to pull out and, like I always do, I made eye contact with the driver. He looked at me, looked left, then right, and surely noticed there was no other traffic for as far as the eye could see. He then said, "Goddammit! I gotta get to the buffet! Fuck this guy."

At least that's what I think he said. It was the body language he sent when he pulled out short in front of me.

[Despite anything I've said here, I think Hilliard/Columbus is rather bicycle friendly. I rarely feel like I'm going to get hit and choose not to ride when I have the kids just in case. We have nice, wide streets, and I think people pull out in front of bicycles, as in the above case, because they can't understand how fast we might be going. You just need to be careful, like with anything else.]

Technorati Tags: Cycling, Drivers, Women

Posted by delmer at 12:59 PM | Comments (12)

May 22, 2008

Dostinex / Cabergoline and Weight Loss

Once in a while someone will mail me and ask me about my experiences with pituitary tumors. They'll also, often, share their experiences. And this is all good as it makes me feel like I'm helping people, that they're interested in helping others, and that the blog has purpose.

This is a portion of something that came in the mail the other day:

I lost weight doing nothing [which was awesome, I used to weigh around 260 and got down to 235/230] …

It's a short snippet of a larger mail and the part that interested me the most. (The rest of the mail talked about changes the writer had noticed that would come with higher levels of testosterone.)

I started taking Dostinex in December of 2002 and began losing weight in January of 2003 without making any other lifestyle changes. I've just noticed my Hormone Table lacks weights for January through May but by June I was down 40 pounds.

Dostinex is an ergot-derived dopamine receptor agonists just like Fen-Phen,a weight loss drug that was pulled due to its link to heart-valve problems. The same heart-valve-problem link has been made to Dostinex (doses are typically very low and not thought to need to be worried over) but I don't know that the same weight-loss characteristic has been applied to it. And I honestly don't remember how Fen-Phen was supposed to work. When my endocrinologist and I talked about my weight loss he remarked that Dostinex didn't have any known weight-loss properties (also at that time the heart-valve problem had not come to light.)

[I remember from college Botany that ergot fungi, which gets into wheat, can give a person hallucinations much like LSD. One theory is that ergot fungi played a role in the Salem witch trials. I was watching Quincy, once in college, and as he was working through a problem in his case I yelled out, "It's ergo fungi!" And it was, which greatly impressed the girls around me, but not to the point they felt they needed to cuddle me.]

I've drifted.

I've often wondered about my weight loss. It always seemed related to Dostinex and hormones somehow — I tried to lose weight and couldn't then I started Dostinex and it came off me with very little effort (and certainly less effort than when I was trying and getting nowhere) — but, you know, I'm a sample of one and it's always good to increase the sample size.

It provides a bit more validation.

[I'm not saying it was Dostinex that caused the weight loss. My guess would be more the change in hormones. But I don't know.]

Technorati Tags: Hormones, Pituitary, Prolactin, Tumor, Testosterone

Posted by delmer at 2:47 PM | Comments (6)

May 14, 2008

Ink Blot - Interpersonal Perception

We now continue with bits of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

INTERPERSONAL PERCEPTION 

Suspiciousness: 

• You appear to be as trusting as most people.
• You are extremely alert and attentive to things around you, trying hard to put together all you take in.

As Paden said in Silverado, "I always figure you might as well approach life like everybody's your friend or nobody is." Of course he ended up on the wrong end of four guns and left in his long johns in the desert. But really, it is easier, and a time saver, to trust people. And, again, this only applies to situations not involving my children.  

As for the "alert and attentive." You've seen the picture. I'm a damned Ninja. 

Defensiveness: 

• You try to notice and pay attention to as much as you can so you can feel more prepared to handle unexpected things or situations.
• You stay distant from people and prefer not to get too emotionally involved in order to avoid uncomfortable social situations.

Yes, yes yes. I'm working on this last item. I'm learning uncomfortable situations aren't always as bad as I thought they might be. 

Interpersonal Relationships: 

• Activities with other people and personal relationships do not appear to be very important to you. For this reason, you probably are not actively sought out by others.
• Your dealings with people may be based more on your general biases and expectations than on your actual experiences with individuals.
• You relate to some people not so much for who they really are but for who you would like them to be
• You tend to form opinions and make judgments about people by looking at only a few specific characteristics, but you miss their other characteristics.
• When you are stressed, you tend not to expect nor accept comfort or support from others, relying more on your own abilities to cope.

I have been hermit-like these past several years. The hormone problem sort of put me in a "bleh" state of mind and divorce is never fun. So, I've sort of stuck to myself and the weeks I don't have the boys do things I can do alone. I'm taking steps to be better but, honestly, most of it was not wanting to bother people. Or something else; who knows?  

As for not being sought out by people to do anything… I don't know a lot of people who can do anything. We've all got kids. And I'm not one to go to a bar to watch a game and drink beer on a regular basis. There's a group of us that tries, the last Friday of the month, to go out for a piss-up (one of the guys is a Brit); we don't always make it. If people call me to ride the bike, I'm on it. 

Items two, three and four strike me odd. I grew up running around with a group of guys that accepted everybody and that's how I am today, but then, I'm not sure those are exclusionary bullet points. I'm going to fall back on the thought that everybody is good until they prove otherwise. I'm not saying it's the best way to go, but it's the one I've made use of for years, and most time it pays off.  

As for the last bullet point, it is certainly me. I am happy to hear people's problems all day and acknowledge that their talking about them makes them feel better (from a venting and getting-a-different-perspective standpoint) and that I may actually be able to help them out by providing support and possibly additional insight. However, I don't always like to bother other people with my problems; I'm trying to change this too. 

Technorati Tags: Ink Blot, Rorschach

Posted by delmer at 7:23 AM | Comments (7)

May 13, 2008

Ink Blot - Self Perception

We now continue with bits of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

SELF PERCEPTION 

Self Esteem: 

• You often think of yourself in black or white terms. You may have an overly positive view of your abilities and think you are able to do anything well, or you may have a very negative view of yourself and believe that nothing you do is worthy.
• You have a healthy and positive sense of self-confidence.

I honestly think that with the proper training I can do almost anything, but I think that about everybody. This isn't to say that I don't recognize when things are way out of my league — I don't know that I have the brainpower to be a nuclear physicist. Oh, and I can't really draw or do arty stuff. And it takes a special sort of person to be a concert pianist. And there are any host of other things I know are beyond me. And I don't know that I'd make a good salesman — I'll give you something before I try to sell it to you. 

I'm not sure that I think that nothing I do is worthy, but I do think that anything I can anybody else can do it as well. I mean, if I can do it, how hard can it be? (As I typed that realized it might be an indication that I think nothing I do is worthy.) 

As for the positive sense of self-confidence, I do think I'm a wonderful human being and a nice guy. I try not to do things that will lead me to feeling regretful. I think I'm always aware of my motives; as they are uncommonly harmless I chug through life Richie-Cunningham like.  

I lack anything approaching confidence when it comes to women. I seem to be getting better. (An alternate line for this bit was: I lack anything in the way of confidence when it comes to women and can think of a thousand reasons for them to reject me; gals … everyone of them makes you seem rather petty. Which, of course is a joke — my oddball problems are mine alone — but I wasn't sure how it would play. And while I left it out of the main text, I couldn't help but include it for fun.)  

Introspection: 

• You usually make some effort to examine both the positive and negative features you see in yourself. This enables you to maintain better perspective on yourself and to gain self-understanding.
• You have the ability and flexibility to make changes in the way you see yourself and to take on new attitudes about yourself.

This has a positive sound to it, doesn't it?  

Not long ago my approach was, with some exceptions and the interpersonal formula I used was too convoluted to explain, to leave people alone as I figured they didn't want to be bothered. Recently I've moved more toward talking to everybody, which is how I used to be. So far nobody's thrown an elbow into my side — and if they did I'd probably just flashback to playing basket ball with my buddies. 

Technorati Tags: Ink Blot, Rorschach

Posted by delmer at 12:05 AM | Comments (0)

May 11, 2008

Ink Blot - More Perpetual Accuracy

We now continue with bits of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

This falls under the heading of Thought Processing with the subheading Perpetual Accuracy and should have been part of an earlier post. 

Thought Processing 

Perpetual Accuracy (cont.) 

• Your way of seeing the world is about the same as most people's. Consequently, you behave and think in expected ways about as much as others do.
• You see things differently than most people do, so you behave and think in unexpected ways more often than others.

This is another one I should have asked about. I see the world the same but things differently? I behave and think in expected and unexpected ways? 

Thought Organization: 

• You prefer to think about problems, gather information, and then come up with clear, logical possible solutions. You then make independent decisions and act on reasonable grounds. To avoid making mistakes, you do not like to jump to conclusions.
• Most often, you keep your feelings out of problem solving. As a consequence, attempts to influence you emotionally are not very effective.
• Pressures you feel from your own needs and from external demands do not seem to bother you very much. They do not appear to interfere with your thinking and may simply alert you to what else needs your attention.
• Current worries or problems with other people appear to be disrupting and distorting your views and thoughts about people and relationships.

The first three points don't sound too bad. 

As I consider relationship things I see them all the way through to failure as I'm certain I'll never get married again and that's sort of a hard sell, isn't it?  

This is not to say I'm unhappy as I've come to realize I'm really a pretty happy person. 

Technorati Tags: Ink Blot, Rorschach

Posted by delmer at 9:49 AM | Comments (0)

In which I clarify the previous post.

I was vague and a bit unclear earlier when I said:

As for simple facts, I don't see what the problem with that is. Just the other day I had a conversation with a woman in which three unhappy things had come to her family and as she told me about them all I could think of was the simple fact that had she not been sleeping with a married man none of it would have happened. Had she paid attention to what is socially correct, conventional or expected she'd have been better off. 

I was not trying to say that bad things happen to people due to the things they do. That would make me Pat-Robertson like.

One of the bad things that happened to this woman was that the wife of the guy she was carrying on with caught the couple as they were going away for the weekend. This caused the woman some embarrassment in the middle of the street.

Had she not been banging a married guy this would not have happened.

The other two things that befell her were similar… because some people never learn. And eventually children get dragged into it despite their innocence.

Technorati Tags: Ink Blot, Rorschach

Posted by delmer at 1:15 AM | Comments (1)

May 10, 2008

Ink Blot - Thought Processing

We now continue with bits of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

THOUGHT PROCESSING 

Processing of Information: 

• You spend a great deal of time and energy gathering and putting together information about situations before acting. Rather than taking risks, you want to consider things very thoroughly. If something requires much attention and concentration, this is an asset. If it does not, your cautious and perfectionistic approach can cause you to waste time and energy, put off making decisions, and delay taking needed action.
• Your style of dealing with problems by focusing mainly on the simple facts keeps you from recognizing or experiencing problems with emotions, relationships, or friendships.
• You often pay attention to what is socially correct, conventional or expected.

Regarding the first item I've already stated I'm aware of it and taking steps to correct it. Today, for example, rather than spend too much time agonizing over the minute details of two items I needed to buy I quickly listed the features I wanted and made the purchases. Early in the process I recognized that almost anything I bought would meet far more than the minimum requirements… so why agonize too much? 

As for simple facts, I don't see what the problem with that is. Just the other day I had a conversation with a woman in which three unhappy things had come to her family and as she told me about them all I could think of was the simple fact that had she not been sleeping with a married man none of it would have happened. Had she paid attention to what is socially correct, conventional or expected she'd have been better off. 

Mostly, I try not to do things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. As luck would have it sticking to those things are socially correct, conventional and expected keep me from feeling too bad about myself. 

Motivation: 

• You seem willing to think about complex information that you take in to the same degree as most people. You appear to set realistic goals which you can achieve.
• The conclusions you draw from your efforts to understand and assemble information are usually as complex, developed, and mature as most.
• Typically you do not let your feelings have much impact on your decision making and judgments.

Sometimes I let my feelings for my kids impact my decision making as I will give in to things they want (do I need to provide a link to the $110 Nike Shox?).  

Perceptual Accuracy: This is a measure of how well people usually see the world, especially when things are somewhat ambiguous, as our world often is. If most other people would not easily be able to see what you see, you would be said to have a "distorted' view or perception because others can't see it the way you do. If most others would easily be able to share your view if they tried, your perception would be called "more accurate". We all distort a little because everyone is unique, but too much distortion causes problems. We can learn to perceive more realistically. Another way that people differ is in how uniquely they view things, ranging from seeing the world in very conventional ways to seeing it in very different or unusual ways.

• You distort reality or misunderstand situations somewhat more than the average person. Seeing things inaccurately to this extent can lead to behavior that is less effective and less appropriate.
• Your distortions or misunderstandings of things around you may not occur often enough to lead to serious problems in everyday living.

This one made me "eek" when I read it as I read too much into the word distort and took it all the way to delusional.  

While I wonder about how smart it might be (the appropriateness) to post the results of an Ink Blot test, and have wonderings about whether or not my distortions might keep me from accurately interpreting this item the things I think it applies to might be called a naive outlook on life. I like to think most people are good and have good intentions. I, unfortunately, believe everything I'm told. I'll assume someone has made a mistake before I think they're trying to screw me. I'm suspicious of very few people. I think people like me when they meet me.  

I'll give you something before I try to sell you something. I'll lend a hand whenever I can; I won't ask anybody else for help because I don't want to bother them (that is, I am not bothered by people asking me for help, but I don't want to bother them … I think this is an odd way to think). 

There have been times when people have suggested something that has left me curious about how they could possibly think what they are thinking as it seemed, while possible, the least likely and less flattering of two possible explanations. Maybe most people follow that path. 

I also think people want to be left alone and, until recently, haven't gone out of my way to trouble people with my presence. I wasn't always like this and I'm working on it as well. 

Oh, before I sound to insanely trusting: With things involving my children I have a healthy suspicion of everyone. 

[I could be way off base with all this. I know it. To refer to Gary Larson cartoon, I could be "just plain nuts."] 

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Posted by delmer at 8:00 AM | Comments (6)

May 9, 2008

Ink Blot - Controls

We now continue with bits of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

CONTROLS 

Emotional Constraint: 
 

• There is no evidence that you are holding in bottled-up feelings.

Maybe this explains why I sleep as well as I do. Especially when you consider I sometimes drink Diet Coke right up until bedtime.
 

Emotional Control: 

• You appear not to be dealing with your feelings. Not managing emotions can lead to other problems.
• You typically have average control of your feelings. However, chronic or intense stress can cause control problems.
• You prefer to very strongly control your feelings, trying not to express them in everyday situations.
• Your strong attention to what is socially correct acts as a guideline for controlling your emotions.
• Often dealing with feelings by avoiding or withdrawing from situations, you are not likely to become emotionally stirred up unless you are strongly provoked.

This is confusing to me. I'm not holding in bottled-up feelings, but I'm not dealing with my feelings.  

I am, typically, very calm. But honestly, if you were on a plane that was plunging into the sea wouldn't you rather be sitting by someone who had thought everything through and was calmly considering his fate rather than a screaming maniac? I'd be willing to try to make it to the cockpit to try to fly the jet while the screamer would be screaming, making life hell for everybody else, and eating more than her share of the peanuts. 

As for my strong attention to what is socially correct, well, not long ago (and tonight, again) I couldn't help but think that punching a certain person in the noggin would probably not do anybody (but me) any good. Tonight I took a different approach and openly talked about what was bothering me with the person — some of the words we used, while not impolite, seemed to bother him in the setting we were in. I had no such problem with the words used (which you can hear in churches all across the world every Sunday) and have decided I will address our differences each and every time we meet just so he knows I'm okay with what troubles me. I must admit I was surprised by the discomfort shown as I've been assured nobody has any shame regarding the issue of which I so vaguely speak. 

Historically speaking I'm slow to anger. And I get over what troubles me rather quickly. There are people who have known me since high school that have never seen me angry and I honestly think this is due to the fact I can see the larger picture. Some just aren't worth getting worked up about. 

I am aware that I have other issues that stray outside the slow-to-anger category and I'm working on those. 

Ego Strength: This is a general estimate of how much stress you can take before it becomes too much for you to handle. It does not measure how wisely you deal with stress nor how healthy your methods are. Ego strength just suggests how  well your methods can keep you from becoming overwhelmed or non-functional under certain degrees of stress. Some  people have very high ego strength and are not easily overwhelmed but their methods create many other problems. Others with low ego strength can become distraught easily but do quite well by keeping their stress level down. Ego strength can  be built up.
 

• If you did not have your current stress, you would be handling ordinary stress about the same as most people, although unusual, unexpected, or prolonged stress may disrupt you as it would anyone.
• At this time, you appear to be handling stress about as well as you usually do.

I'm handling stress about as well as I usually do? When I have ordinary stress and not the stress I currently have?  

I should have asked for some more clarification on this. I believe I have less stress than I had last year. 

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Posted by delmer at 8:21 PM | Comments (0)

Ink Blot - Well, Rats!

The text beneath "Emotional Receptivity" got deleted from yesterday's post as I edited and re-edited everything trying to get the bullets to align left (in Internet Explorer). It is reprinted below for your reading enjoyment.

This is from the first bit of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

Emotional Receptivity: 

• You are extremely unlikely or unable to respond to or be affected by complex or intense emotion. Your strong avoidance of feelings may be a result of bad experiences with them.
• When dealing with problems, you prefer to remain reserved, subdued and thoughtful in the midst of strong emotional experiences.  

While this may be true, my ability to render people unconscious with a simple pinch to the shoulder is a big hit at parties. And nothing gets chicks in the mood for a little Pon Farr like a mind meld. 

(Yes. I'm working on this too.) 

Due to the deletion of some of the text my clever, by my standards, references to all things Vulcan may have seemed lost. (Neshuk thuhrd is Vulcan for the words Ink and Blotch. I'm not sure the words together don't form some sort of idiomatic phrase with an entirely different meaning; dictionaries comprised of words from make-believe science fiction series only take you so far.)

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Posted by delmer at 4:25 PM | Comments (0)

May 8, 2008

Ink Blot - neshuk thuhrd

This is from the first bit of my recent Rorschach test. My comments are in whatever color this is.  

Be sure to read the Rorschach Info blurb (Disclaimer) or my less-formal explanation before continuing. 

Let the fun begin.  

Situational Stress 

• Whatever current stress may be present in your life, you seem to be able to handle it.
• You are about as aware of stress in your life as most people are.

This sounds pretty good, doesn't it. I don't typically feel stressed and it's nice to know that I'm about as aware of the stress I have as the average person is about his or hers. If nothing else I always strive to be average.  

Emotionality 

Ongoing Depression 

• The test did not detect indications of long-term depression. If you experience symptoms of depression, they may be reactions to temporary situations rather than to long-standing personality characteristics.

The interesting thing about depression is just how all-encompassing it is. I've been separated/divorced for about four years and the whole thing was pretty rough. Every so often I'd have depressed spells and each time I had one it felt like this is all life is. It was suffocating and it felt like I was depressed all the time. And it never failed, I was never depressed when I was with my therapist and wanting to tell her about it. So, I started keeping track of my depression and found that great periods of time would pass — four, six, eight weeks — between depressed spells. And, they were lasting for short periods of time; about a day.   AND, AND, AND, when they were over I had trouble remembering just how bad they were; I felt like I was never depressed. 

When I get depressed now I know I'll be better tomorrow or sooner (Ted Nugent albums pick me up pretty quick). Even though I know this they still suck and have that this-is-all-life-is feel even though I know it isn't. If it wasn't for the life-suckiness of the whole thing it would be an interesting event.  

I'm typically only depressed when I'm by myself. And more and more infrequently these days. 

Situational Depression 

• Stress does not appear to be making you feel depressed.

Nope. Not stress. 

Coping Style: People usually learn habits that help them deal with new and unfamiliar situations and problems. Those habits are called a "coping style." Having a well developed coping style to rely on helps people more efficiently solve problems both in the world and in themselves. Like many habits, we can change how we approach problems.

• Your coping style is one in which you prefer to deal with problems thoughtfully to decide how to solve them before actually taking action. While you may seek information from others, you weigh the options on your own. This may make you less distracted by others and less influenced by what authority figures have to say.
• When solving a problem, you tend to make a decision or take action only after thoroughly thinking about all the available information.
• The degree to which you adhere to this style makes your approach to problems less flexible.
• This can be limiting when different kinds of problems require more of a "thinking" or a "feeling" way of handling them.
.

I, as mentioned in an earlier blog entry, sometimes take too long to make decisions as I always want to have just a little more information; the doc called this "overincorporation."  This is something I've known about me for a while and that I'm trying to fix. An example is when I was rolling out a new e-mail server. The solution was a pretty good one but I knew if I did x it would be better and doing y would make it better still. Doing x and y were dragging things out and in the end had to be dropped and added later — so, the users got the same thing they were going to get originally (which they were happy with) and I missed my (self-imposed) roll-out date. Yesterday I was looking at new laser printers and found myself getting caught up in things; I finally said f*ck it! I'm getting that one. 

I'm aware of how my problem-solving skills sort of fall down when it comes to problems that require "thinking" and "feeling." The doc said this is something I could work on with the regular therapy person I see.   

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Posted by delmer at 10:40 PM | Comments (7)

Ink Blot Disclaimer

This is the professional explanation of how the Rorschach works. Just in case I was unclear yesterday. 

This feedback checklist can help you begin to review some of the Rorschach test findings with the test administrator. Each item listed below is the test's `best guess" about some of your personality characteristics. These `guesses' appear here because some of your answers to the test are very similar to those of people who have taken the test before and whose personality is known from other information. Often, that enables the test to describe most people fairly well but some statements are not entirely accurate for everyone. To decide which statements describe you best, you and the person reviewing the test with you need to take into account a great deal of additional information about you and your particular circumstances. Because the test has no specific knowledge of you as a unique person, your input is very much needed. To help us make best use of the results, after you read an item, circle `1" if you strongly agree with the item or "2' if you generally agree. If you generally disagree, circle "4", and if you strongl~rdisagree, circle "5". Circle "?" if you have any questions at all about the item or if you can't quite decide whether it fits you or not. Your reactions will help put together a much more personalized and accurate description of who you are. In addition, the test administrator can offer more detailed and technical information from the test and other sources which may contribute to a better overall understanding. There are many implications that can be drawn from the test by thinking about how items in one section may effect the meaning of items in another section. More understanding most often helps people know how they can make the changes they want. 

Technorati Tags: Ink Blot, Rorschach

Posted by delmer at 5:52 PM | Comments (0)

May 7, 2008

The Ink Blot Test

Just over a week ago I met with a Psychologist to go over some psychological testing I'd had done. Without getting into all the details of the "whys" I'll just say the doc was checking for ADD.

As it happens, I don't have ADD or any other cognitive dysfunction (a word I'm not keen on when it is applied to cognitive things). It would appear that any time I come out of a meeting wondering what the hell had just been said it's more a reflection of the boring nature of the meeting than a hardwired reaction on my part.

I'll bet you've all been in meetings like that. And if you haven't you've probably run meetings like that.

At one point during the testing I was given an Ink Blot test (sometimes called a Horshack Test after the beloved Arnold Horshack of Welcome Back Kotter fame). 

The only time I've ever seen an Ink Blot test has been on TV sitcoms and they are rarely portrayed as anything to take seriously. To make it even more challenging I knew that it was going to take every ounce of self-control to not say two ducks kissing for every blot that came my way.

I did my best and I saw things like:

• Two elephants balanced with their backs to each other
• Some Native American art
• My ex wife with a butcher's knife
• Pat Robertson
• Two little girls giving each other a peck on the lips
• Sea horses
• A frog skeleton (Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal ...)

And you likely know I made up the stuff about my ex-wife and Pat Robertson. If not, shame on you; especially if you've been here more than twice.

A couple of Fridays ago the doc and I got together to go over the results of my testing. He told me the part about not having ADD and I took the lack of law enforcement officials milling about as an indication that he didn't consider me a danger to myself or others.

He handed me some papers and told me they were the results of the Rorshack. There were four pages of statements about me and each statement was numbered 1 2 ? 4 5; I was to circle 1 if I agreed with the statement, 5 if I disagreed, the question mark if I had questions and the 2 or 4 if I wanted to continue in Spanish. No, wait, 2 or 4 if I agreed or disagreed somewhat.

There are things I've thought I've known about me that I could never be sure of because I am the only thing I have to compare me against. I'm a sample of one.

They aren't good or bad things. They're just the way I am.

What I think is even better. There are things I think, that I'm not even sure I believe. I can't come up with an example right now, but this is just a draft. (And as I go to publish it I'm still lost for an example.)

Anyway the Rorschach is scored by taking the images I saw and matching those images with other people that saw the same thing. Then, the known psychological attributes about those people are taken and applied to me. For example, if 10 guys were to have seen my ex with a butcher's knife, well, that's not really a good example. If 100 people had seen, and this is just an example, Seahorses on one particular blot and all (or a percentage, I don't know) had similar ways of dealing with their emotions then that characteristic would have been applied to me.

Tomorrow we'll start taking a look at the results.

Technorati Tags: Ink Blot, Rorschach

Posted by delmer at 3:27 PM | Comments (13)

April 27, 2008

Therapeutic Concerns of Abuse

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. In order to help the Rape and Incest National Network (RAINN) raise funds so they may offer online counseling to victims of sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape, members of the blogging community have banded together to lend a hand by writing posts of a specific topic. You can read all the details at Kevin Apgar's site.

If you would like to make a donation to RAINN please be sure to put GBBMC2008 and Delmer Wells in the "Include a note to RAINN" box as there is a chance I could win something. (I am less concerned about winning something than I am about helping the organizers be able to track GBBMC2008 donations.  So, at least put the GBBMC2008 bit in.) 

 

Preface:
Hello readers to WADLL? This is Greeneyezz here. Delmer has been very kind and generous to allow me this wonderful opportunity to be a 'guest writer' on his blog for part of this Sexography 2008, Blogger Book Marketing Campaign. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading some of Delmer's personal Sexcapades, as there have been several times where I could be heard laughing amusingly and I even snorted one time as he talked about how a particular model of Bob might require a footer to be poured. I think he may have the market on humorous sex tales, so I won't even attempt to follow those size 14 footsteps.

For those who may not be aware, I'm a therapist in an out-patient mental health clinic. I work with various issues from a wide variety of people and even wider socioeconomic backgrounds. Because I've had the opportunity to work with several people, both male & female, children, teenagers, and adults, who have been sexually abused or raped, I thought I might be able to offer a perspective from a therapeutic standpoint.
--------------------------------------

I've had the opportunity to read a few blogs that speak from personal experience. Karl, from Secondhand Tryptophan and Britt from Miss Britt are two that not only come to mind for me, but are informative, inspiring and very touching. Please take the time to read their stories.

When sitting down to determine what I would include here, I realized there would be no way to write about the many different facets from which I could talk about, regarding abuse. A very daunting task indeed. Below are only just a few, and only the tip of the proverbial Iceberg.

Shame & Guilt
More often than not, survivors of this kind of abuse are often filled with immense feelings of shame and guilt. Some very common thoughts that intrude on them and erode away any feelings of peace, include feeling immense guilt over "not being able to stop the abuse," feeling that "they did something wrong", that it is "somehow their fault", if they only did such and such, then this wouldn't have happened to them, etc. etc. Feelings of being dirty, tainted, and damaged. I've had clients who've used bleach to scrub their skin, all in an effort to "get rid of that dirty feeling."
 

With their skin often left raw and bleeding, all in an effort to make themselves feel clean again.
 

All of this guilt and shame is unearned.
 

All of it.

By far, one of the more damaging forms of guilt and shame and the one that seems to have the tightest hold on a survivor, includes guilt over their own body responding. Sometimes the abuse is not viciously done and the child is seduced. Sometimes their body responds. Sometimes they have even had an orgasm. It is still rape. It is still Sex abuse. It's horrific enough to have a family member or some other person known to the family betray and violate that person's trust, but when their own bodies betray them, that often times creates such a severe internal-conflict with them, that's so very hard to shake.

I bring this up for a few reasons. There seems to be a lot of misconception about this, not only on the survivor's part, but the perpetrator as well as the general public too.
 

How can it be 'rape' or 'sex abuse' if the victim had been responding sexually?
 

Very easily.
 

How many know that if you penetrate a male anally and massage his prostrate, he will automatically have an erection?
 

Or how about children, both males and females? When thinking of someone who is sexually abusing a child, don't make the mistake and assume that the perp *has to* use brute force or fear to accomplish that. Child sexual grooming is often used to set the stage for abuse.
 

And in the perp's twisted mind, he will turn it around to say that the victim 'wanted it'.
 

This form of shame and guilt is very destructive, because it feels like even their own bodies have betrayed them.
But what is oftentimes not clearly understood, is the physiology behind it.
 

Understanding the physiology of our bodies is crucial to helping to pave the way for these survivors to work through this issue.
 

Have you ever been pinned down and tickled against your will? Ever have that happen?  It makes you laugh. But are you enjoying it?
   

How about cutting up an onion. Your eyes tear up, right??
 

You cry when this happens, but does it mean that you really are sad??
 

Those are both physiological responses to some form of stimulation.

And like the two examples above, having your body respond sexually to a form of stimulation, is also a physiological response.  

 

Nothing more.
 

Because I sometimes try to provide an experiential component when explaining this concept to others, I often bring in a pungent yellow onion right in my office. My client's age, level of functioning and maturity level and safeness will dictate if I provide them with a serrated knife or a plastic knife. I'll have them cut up the onion right in my office and will talk as this is being done. Inevitably, when the tears start coming, I'll ask if they are crying because they are sad. Of course not, it's the onion that is making them cry. This obviously leads into a discussion of physiology and how our body responds to different stimuli.

Dissociation
As with many traumatic experiences, our minds often react in such a brilliant fashion when we struggle to wrap our minds around something horrific. It's a protective factor for us when thoughts, memories, or emotions become too overwhelming for us to deal with and integrate into our own lives. On a severe form, dissociation, or a "splitting off" of that experience is almost necessary for them to survive. There are survivors of both Rape and sexual abuse who often talk about experiencing strong feelings of them "leaving their body" when they were being abused/raped. Many have reported to me feeling like they had risen above and were looking down on them and the abuser, as it was taking place. Think of it as a severe form of denial. Many of you probably have experienced a much diluted form of that already. Ever been given terrible news, like someone close to you dying? Do you remember what you first felt? Did it feel "unreal" to you, like it was a dream, or it wasn't really you that it was happening to?? That's Depersonalization and De-realization happening, both of which are features of dissociation. Many people reported feeling like that when 9/11 had first occurred, and these were people no where near New York.

When working with survivors of this kind of abuse, one feature of this symptom seems to be the high threshold for pain. Unusually high. I've had people describe incidents of severe abuse, things that have made my own skin crawl, and they do that with the same emotional intensity of reading the Wall Street Stock Quotes. Completely detached from the emotional pain of it, as if it was happening to someone else, not them.
 

A high threshold for physical pain is also quite prominent, because there needs to be a separation or dissociation of their body from the rest of them, in order to survive.
 

For this, I'll often recommend they attend yoga or other mind/body class like Tai Chi, which both serve to help reconnect themselves to their body.

Sexual abuse and Rape destroys trust. Not only trust in other people, but trust in one's own self, their ability to discern for themselves, who is trustworthy and who is not. Who is safe. And who is not.
 

It also can destroy a person's sense of self-worth. They are often left with feelings of inadequacy, "un-worthiness," and an overall feeling of being "damaged goods." There's a correlation between those who've been abused and their tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol. Self-medicate so they don't have to feel. Don't have to remember. Don't have to think.

For anyone who might be in treatment with me and may be struggling with their own personal demons related to abuse, whether Sexual, Physical, Emotional, or Verbal, I might, at some point in treatment, pull out a $1.00 bill and ask you if you were offered this, no strings attached, would you want it?
 

Most likely, you would say "yes".
 

I would then crumple that dollar bill and ask if you would want it then?
 

You would most likely say "yes".
 

I would then throw it on the ground, step all over it, and kick it across the room. I might even rip it in two.
 

I again would ask you if you would want it?

And again, you would most likely say "yes, I would still want it."
 

I'd ask you why? Why would you still want it, after it's been crumpled up, tossed on the ground, walked all over and kicked around until it was ripped up, would you still want it?

Your response would most likely be something along the line of,  "It's still a dollar bill. It still has value and importance. It's value would not ever be diminished because of what was done to it. It's still wanted. The value has not changed or been diminished in any way."  

------------------------------------

Post Script:
**The picture at the top is one that I took in my office. They are anatomically-correct therapeutic dolls, used for diagnosing and treatment of Childhood Sexual Abuse. They have anuses, the males have a penis, scrotum, pubic hair, hair under their arms, and nipples. The females also have an anus, vagina, and breasts. Both have tongues that come out of their mouths, and their fingers can be bent and hold a shape. 

And they are a useful tool, when a child has been acting out (read: re-enacting the original trauma) sexually.

I've often said that "Therapy is not for the faint of heart," and I still stand by that statement. It takes a HUGE amount of courage and inner strength to take an honest look into ourselves. 

If you have been sexually abused or raped, and have kept quiet about it, please understand that there is help for you. RAINN can definitely help.


© 2008 Greeneyezz  

 

Posted by delmer at 7:50 PM | Comments (8)

April 21, 2008

Clipless

Samson had First Reconciliation this past Saturday.  For the non-Catholic among you, that would be his first confession.

He was just the smallest bit worried about it but after his mother and I explained it was sort of like testing the confessional waters — that is, he didn't have to be perfect — he chilled some.   And really, he's 10. What type of sins can he have?  I know that when he's with me he's pretty good and I doubt his mother is taking him to titty bars. (But I don't know, I've got to say the separation/divorce caught me off guard.)

It had been my hope to put something close to 80 miles on The Mighty Schwinn this weekend and was tickled to see the sun shining early Saturday morning. It shone throughout Samson's First Reconciliation and through the paying of the check for the celebratory late lunch. It started raining as I walked home from Otie's (and continued to rain until evening.)

I've recently considered getting a Pannier, which I think is pronounced pah-knee-ay though I've been assured it's pan-ear, and thought I'd shoot off to the bike shop to see what was available; it was raining after all. There are three bike shops around me that are likely to have panniers for sale.  One of them has an attractive blond woman, who is old enough that I don't feel bad acknowledging the fact that she's attractive, working there and that's where I decided to go.  (Simply because if a bike shop is going to go out of business because they've fallen $50.00 shy in sales I don't want it to be the one with the cute blond.)

Without going into all the details let me just say I never got Panniers. Instead I got clipless pedals, and shoes. 

One of the reasons I've put off going clipless is that I wear a size 14 shoe and wasn't sure I'd be able to find a pair big enough for my feet. The largest shoe the bike shop had was a 48 which translates to a 13.5 and is just right. It seems that what cycling lacks in the way of consistency when it comes to jersey sizes — I once bought an Italian XL that would have been tight on my 10-year old — they make up for with their variety in shoe sizes; it's not often I see 1/2 sizes past 11.5.

Another reason I've not gone clipless is that I'm a grumpy old man who hates change. (And I have a biomechanical worry. But simply saying that would deny me the fun of the grumpy old man comment.)

Oh, by the way, I saw the attractive blond and we had a lively conversation that started, "May I help you," and ended with "If you have any other questions, let me know." (For the record, they do not have unpadded Lycra shorts nor do they have tall jerseys.)

So, $200 later and still without pah-knee-ays or pan-ears I headed home.

Fast forward to Sunday evening and I'd put the pedals on the bike, the cleats on the shoes, the shoes on my feet, and I was sitting on the bike balanced in a doorway and practicing snapping in and out of the pedals.  After a few adjustments I was ready for the road where things went swimmingly until I came to the first right turn and noticed huge, dark gray storm clouds (that still, five hours later, have produced shit in the way of rain or lightening) and figured I should cut the ride short. 

So the goal of 80 miles was reduced to an output of five. 

The short mileage today didn't bother me. I'm pretty sure it's best to have some short outings to check for things like knee pain. As it is, I'm pretty sure the right cleat needs some adjustment so my toe can point out a bit.

And it was five miles in which I didn't find myself unable to unclip and falling over.

Posted by delmer at 12:06 AM | Comments (4)

April 17, 2008

Blood Work Update

There may be only one or two of you who will appreciate the disappointment I've had the last couple of days.  I had blood drawn a week ago and it came back with a prolactin level of 8.4 whereas it had been, I thought, 7.0 the last time. This was with a meds reduction going from .25 mg on Sundays and Thursdays to just .25 mg on Thursdays.  The 8.4 level is still within range, and by a good margin, I'm just of the mindset that lower is better with respect to testosterone levels, though I don't know for sure.  I may have higher T levels than ever even with my prolactin up a little; I'd be surprised if that were the case. 

Anyway, I just went to update the Hormone Table and found I'd misremembered the last level.  It had been 8.0, not 7.0.  So, I'm a lot happier. (While I wish I could blame the faulty memory on the .4 increase in prolactin, I'm afraid I'm just forgetful sometimes.  I still know the IP addresses of all the network printers in the building which is more useful on a day-to-day basis.)

So ... 

I had blood drawn April 10, 2008.

My meds had recently dropped from .25 mg of cabergoline twice a week (that's 1/2 a pill, I used to take three at a time, twice a week) to .25 mg once a week.  The recent draw was after I'd been on reduced meds for 8 weeks.

My prolactin has increased from 8.0 ng/mL to 8.4 ng/mL since February which is the largest jump I've had.  I'm not sure what it means with respect to testosterone level as that isn't tested.

Normal prolactin range for an adult male is 2.1 - 17.7 ng/mL.  So, I'm still in range.

I seem to have gained 3 pounds since my last doctor's visit, which would have been February 7.  Regardless of any of the voodoo science I apply to my weight, I am trending up. 

I've been trying to lose weight since February and am a bit embarrassed to say I've not been doing a great job of keeping track. I've certainly lost some recently, but I haven't been weighing daily like I used to.  It isn't uncommon for my morning weight to fluctuate by several pounds, well five wouldn't be unusual, and without the daily weighings I don't get the best snapshot of where I am.  Recently I've weighed between 245 and 249 in the mornings;  I was at 242 in February and 233 around August/September 2007. 

Per my Tanita scale, my body-fat percentage has trended up a bit too, by about 2 to 2.5% (since the 233 weight), which would be something like 6 pounds. (By the way, I fall into the class of people that think the body-fat measure on a Tanita scale is better for determining trends than it is for dead-on accuracy. I take body-fat measures before bedtime, when I am better hydrated and, should you care, there have been times when my body-fat reading has been lower while I've weighed the most I have for a given period of time -- from what I've read it appears to be related to my hydration level.)

In the gym (well, garage) all of my lifts have increased rather well since the New Year.  I suppose it isn't surprising that the snow-forced break from cycling might lead to better performance under a bar. And, likely, some fat gain as well.

I hate to keep saying I'm not worried about where my weight might go, because I am somewhat.  I see my doctor again in June; let's see where I am then, as I'll have had some time to cycle and be outside more.

So far, my clothes fit about the same, though I don't know I'd notice if they'd gone from a bit loose to not loose.

While I'm not in love with the format of the pituitary-only site, all of this will eventually end up there.

Posted by delmer at 7:16 AM | Comments (4)

February 24, 2008

In Closing and My Hormones

Regardless of anything else, I'll continue to post my hormone stuff as new things happen. I'll be getting blood taken in about two months (and three months after that, I think) if anybody wants to mark their calendars. I'm guessing I'll eventually get another MRI.

Today was a big day of posting as I wrote a bunch of stuff last night that I thought I'd dole out over the next couple of weeks leading up to WADLL's three year anniversary.  Following an incredible breakfast I thought I'd post them all today and call it quits even though it'll bring me in at under three years. 

Anyway, I didn't want to go without saying something about my hormone postings.

I'll eventually copy the pertinent hormone-related stuff to:

http://mypituitarytumor.blogspot.com

Regardless of anything else I always update Alt.Support.Impotence in Usenet.  The members there gave me my life back and I like to contribute to the community. You can find all of my postings by Googling groups:

http://groups.google.com/groups/search?hl=en&q=d+hamilton+group%3Aalt.support.impotence&qt_s=Search

 Sort by date to get my most current contributions (as they are).  I always put "Blood Work" in posts about my hormone tests.

Posted by delmer at 2:40 PM | Comments (7)

February 17, 2008

My Wart Cure

For about the past 15 years I've had a wart on my left index finger. It started at the back of the nail and worked its way up around the right side of it toward the front of the finger, almost to the end.

In that time I've had it frozen at least twice by dermatologists. It would go away and come right back; it was never fully killed.  Each freezing hurt like hell.

I'd tried duct tape, caster oil, jalepeno juice (just to create a hostile environment for the wart virus), and praying for a healing. In all fairness to the duct tape I don't think the layout of the wart was conducive to it working well. In all fairness to the oils and juices, I don't think I tried any of them long enough to work if they were ever going to work. In all fairness to the praying, I'd like to think God has bigger things to take care of (if it came to my wart or feeding a hungry person one night, I'm hoping he went for feeding the hungry).

The thing that seemed to work best was using some sort of blister-wrap Band Aids. They were sort of flesh colored (assuming you're a Caucasian person) and very elastic jobs without that breathable part in the center.  I'd wrap one of these around the finger and it would drive the wart into submission; this was normally accompanied by some pain in the finger that, I think, was the wart dying; it could have been that the Band Aid was too tight, but the pain normally came hours after I'd put it on (normally waking me up at night).

I'd change the Band Aid every couple of days. Normally the change of the first Band Aid would reveal that the wart seemed to have died. That is, the wart area was a darker color and might even be peeling off.

Over time I'd learn that the dead-looking wart area was no indication that the wart was gone for good. If I didn't put another Band Aid on I'd appear to be wart free for couple of days but it would always reappear. Slapping a Band Aid on at that point would take me through the hurting-finger stage again, so I got used to wearing a Band Aid most of the time.

A year or so ago I decided to treat it with Compound W. It held the wart at bay, sort of.  It never got as big as it had previously, but the Band Aid did a better job of keeping it smallest. Compound W also left me with a white finger.

It seemed my choice was bandaged finger or white finger.

At some point I bought a Dr. Scholl's Freeze-Your-Own-Wart kit. I'd seen the commercials and was a bit suspicious as they end with the cute little blond girl, who'd had a wart treated, looking up and saying "Thanks mom."  It was all I could do to not get all Kanye West on her ass and scream, "You lying little bitch" at the television. Getting a wart frozen hurts a lot.

The Dr. Scholl's kit comes with some warnings that I'm sure a person should follow. And follow them I did. When I treated the wart it didn't hurt. Of course it didn't turn that gray-like color like it does at the dermatologist's either.  So, I decided to ignore the warnings and abuse the product, using it in a manner more similar to that I'd experienced in the office of a licensed professional.

And I still couldn't get it to hurt the wart. I wouldn't say the wart came back as that would imply it had gone away at some point and it didn't. It held fast. Had it been a sentient being, it would have looked up and said, "Thanks Dr. Scholl."

 Back in June I tried liquid Compound W again. I'm not sure what else was going on at that time but the bit of the wart at the back of the nail hurt like nothing else shortly after I treated it. It actually felt like something was going on.  That may have been when that part of the wart died; I'm not sure as I did a pretty good job of keeping it covered in the months after that treatment. That was the last time I saw that bit of wart though.

While at Disney I had a Band Aid on the wart. I removed the Band Aid when we returned to Columbus and let the finger air out a few days.  I could eventually see the wart starting to rear its ugly head along the side of the nail.

I decided to buy a Compound W Freeze-Your-Own-Wart kit. I read the instructions and decided I'd modify them a bit. I totally disregarded the "wait five seconds" warning before applying the applicator to the wart. I'd also, eventually, hold the applicator to the wart a bit longer than recommended.

The Compound W kit was able to turn the wart a gray color and make my finger hurt like hell.  I had a feeling it was working.

Three days later, when I had a sense the wart was coming back, I hit it again.

Three days after that I gave it another blast.

Three days after that it looked like the wart might be returning … but it also looked different. On the chance the finger was just throwing some healing at me I decided to take a wait-and-see stance.

And the wart is gone and has been for a couple of weeks.  Should I sprain the right index finger, I'll still be able to do some nostril cleaning; for the first time in about 15 years.  

 

Posted by delmer at 10:55 PM | Comments (5)

February 16, 2008

The Motion Sickness Epiphany

Just a few minutes ago I was at Mama Lia's Pizza talking with the owner about the trip to Disney and the Cruise.  Conversation eventually turned to motion sickness which then led to charters he'd been on on Lake Erie, a charter I'd been on in the Atlantic Ocean (no motion sickness, by the way) and a charter a buddy had been on (spectacular seasickness all the way around).

I eventually said that the motion sickness I'd had on some of the rides at Disney and on the Cruise had lasted all day, though it wasn't ever severe. "Not as bad..." I started and then had trouble figuring out when I'd been horribly motion sick.  I knew I'd had some sort of motion sickness and that when it had hit it had lasted all day and that only sleep seemed to cure it . And it had happened more than once.

And then it hit me. And sort of cleared something up.

This hasn't happened in years, but for a period of time, it seemed that if I ever got really excited, or maybe exerted myself, I might have what I thought was a severe dizzy spell.  It would, to me, look like the room was spinning 1/2 way around and then snapping back only to repeat. If I moved my head the motion felt exaggerated and when it was over I'd be sick the rest of the day.

The first time it happened someone, I think my sister, had gotten a new bike and I was being allowed to put it together; and I was really happy to be allowed to do it. Oh, I forgot to mention, I threw up during one or two of this episodes and for this first one I remember puking spaghetti out my nose. 

Not long after that, and this would have been when I was in 8th or 9th grade as I remember it happening at the Jr. High, I was carrying a projector from one classroom to another.  I don't know if it was the excitement of being out of class and doing a special task, or the amount of exertion involved in lugging the projector around (it was some sort of special, big, thing ... you remember what 60's -era AV equipment was like).  I had to sit in the hallway until the episode passed. I was nauseous the rest of the day.

It may have happened once at the gym, when I was in 10th grade.  I remember explaining the condition to one of the guys there and he commented that I should probably get the condition addressed as one day I'd likely have sex with a woman and that it might be rude to throw up on her. (Some of the women readers are thinking yea, men don't like being thrown up on either.)

You know, it would periodically happen with I was twanging the wire. Not enough that I'd ever considered giving it up (I had thousands invested in hand lotion), but I wonder, now, if the worry that it might happen could be the reason I have weak orgasms.  Now, maybe realizing this was some sort of concern floating around in my subconscious I'll be released from the worry and I'll start having tectonic-plate shifters. Man, if I didn't have hot pizza waiting for me I'd head to the can and knock one off right now (not for me, but for you).  Damn! my endurance; it would be ice cold before I got back to it.

I remember getting sick while bass fishing once. The white bass had started to hit (and when you came into a school of them the fishing was furious for a few minutes — I once caught 12 on 14 casts) and the excitement set the world to spinning.

When I was 25 I'd probably gone a while without having one. I must've told the girl I was dating about them, however, as one night while we were rubbing noses it happened. And I think this was the first time I had a person with me when one happened.  When I asked her what my eyes looked like she said they were twitching; this explained the room moving and then snapping back.  She also said, "You should have a doctor look at this. It looks a lot worse than you make it sound."

I think that was the last one and I've since come to think it was related to the amount of sugar in my diet. In the above story I'd been eating fairly well for a long while, but my girlfriend and I would sometimes stop for ice cream. At the time it made a lot of sense, looking back I weighed 215 and she was 98 pounds. It isn't like we were going through gallons of the stuff; still, it may have been more than I'd been used to.

Anyway, I mentioned my thought regarding sweets to a doctor, probably five years after the last episode (I'd gone to doctors before about it, but everything always came back looking good). All I remember him saying was something about an 'insulin dump' and probably exertion or excitement.

So why all this? Today?

As I was talking at the pizza shop I was trying to recall the times I'd had bad motion sickness that had left me horribly nauseous all day. And I thought back to the eye-twitching things and realized they had been leaving me motion sick.

It seems sort of anticlimactic now, but when it came to me in the pizza shop I was tickled as hell.

Posted by delmer at 8:15 PM | Comments (2)

February 13, 2008

Hormones and Weight Analysis

We'll start with the summary.  The rest of the post, and it's sort of disjointed, appears in the extended entry.

I was a bit worried about how my weight has gone up in the time that has passed as my meds have decreased. After writing everything out I've determined I'm not going to worry about it.  I can wear the shorts I wore to England this past August despite what appears to be an 8-pound weight gain since then. (I don't think I'm actually up 8 pounds). 

I cannot wear the pair of jeans I could barely snap from this same period.

However, let me say, I went to England, we had Thanksgiving, we had Christmas, I went on a Cruise. Worse things could have happened.

Again, I don't think the weight gain is anything to worry about. For fun I'm going to try to make my way back to the next smaller sized jeans. I could hardly be taking any less medicine. It'll be interesting to see how this goes.

[Greeneyezz has suggested I mention my height. And it just occurred to me my weight isn't mentioned anywhere except the extended entry. This morning I was a hair over 6'4" and I weighed 241 pounds. (17 stone 3 lbs; and why do you guys do it that way?)]

Today I'll go on a little bit about my weight, my eating, and my exercise habits.  I'm doing this as I know some folks come by here to catch up on what's going on with my hormones and may have noticed that as the amount of medicine I take has decreased, my weight has increased.  I know I've been curious about any cause and effect that might be going on, so I thought I'd take a moment to cobble some thoughts together.

[And, if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm just a little bit concerned. The whole messed-up hormones problem sort of sneaked (or snuck) up on me. So I'm keeping a close eye on things.]

Back when I was 370 pounds I tried very hard, and for a long time, to drop weight; I had limited success and any weight I lost I quickly regained.  At one point three of us at work tossed $100 each into a hat and whoever lost the most weight in 90 days would win the whole pot; even with that kind of motivation I wasn't able to drop more than a few pounds.  [Fortunately, the contest was extended and ended some time after December 2002.) 

In December of 2002 I started taking Dostinex to control my prolactin and I started losing weight shortly thereafter.  In June of 2003 I weighed 330 pounds. On October 10 I weighed 308.  So, in 10-months time I dropped 62 pounds (roughly).  The only 'new' thing in my life was Dostinex.

I've been lifting weights on a regular basis since 2000; at World Gym for four or five years and in my garage the last two. Not long ago I made the comment that if you were to see me in the gym you might think to yourself, "That guy looks like he should get a refund or something."  I don't look like a gym guy; I look like a normal guy.  (Despite the fact I don't look like a gym guy, I do get a kick out of sometimes putting a shirt on and having the sleeves bite into my arms. This thrill is typically short lived, however, as my 9-year old doesn't really care for me to wear his things.)

Also, for most of that time I was taking walks of three to six miles almost daily.  I have body-weight logs on my PC going back to late 1999; if I was tracking my weight, I was most certainly exercising (I typically walk a bit over an hour which puts me at four miles).

I weighed 239 in May of 2006.  This is about the time I started riding The Mighty Schwinn a lot.

In October of 2006 I came in at the lowest I've weighed since I was about 29.  I hit 224 pounds.  During this time I was riding the bike a lot and lifting. I thought I was eating well enough and I was still writing everything down. I had a brief concern that my weight was going to continue dropping regardless of what I tried and joked that I might let it get as low at 219 before I went on a diet of only ice cream.

It's probably important to note I was wearing 34-inch jeans.  Thirty-four by thirty-four to be exact, which gave me perfect symmetry.

Alright. We're getting close to the end.

Today I weighed 241, which takes me up 17 pounds since December 12 of 2006 (14 months).  In August 2007 (pre-trip-to-England) I weighed 233 lbs, so I seem to be up 8 since then.

Here is what I think we need to know. In August I could get into 33-inch jeans and snap them if I didn't breathe too hard. I can't do that now. I can, however, wear the same shorts I wore to England and, of course, the same jeans. 

I think I have a little more fat on me, but I was getting tired of the lack of gains I was making lifting and I'd started to eat more as nutrition was sort of my weak spot.  [I'm aware that cycling as much as I do doesn't lend itself to great gains in the gym, but it isn't my goal to compete at The Arnold Expo.]  I also don't think I actually weigh a solid 241 and recall that in the past I'd see spikes, usually after visiting my parents, of five pounds or more for several days followed by a return to a much more acceptable weight.

And I've certainly added some muscle, but I can't imagine it's anything like 17 pounds.

Posted by delmer at 12:28 PM | Comments (3)

February 12, 2008

Hormone Update -- February 2008

Alright, let's start with the medicine news. My cabergoline (generic form of Dostinex) has been dropped to 1/2 pill once a week. Most recently it was 1/2 pill twice a week.

If we pretend I'm taking name-brand Dostinex, which was $33.00 a pill, I'd now be down to $16.50 a week. Multiply that by 4.3 and you have $70.95 monthly. Compare this to the $851 per month of a couple of years ago and you can see I'm doing all I can to drive health care costs down. (It seems I've reported this cost in the past as "about $1000 per month had I not had insurance."  That may have been rounding, as the $851 plus my copay of $45 comes closer to $900. I've checked my postings in Usenet and "approaching $900" is how I'd referred to the August 2004 cost there.  Of course, maybe I never said it was close to $1000 in the blog).

One of the more interesting things about cabergoline is that I think it is one of the few pills that might actually make a man's penis bigger. At least when it comes to girth.  The pills are about the size of Tic Tacs and I think they'd be pretty easy to shove up the tip of the penis — a lot easier than an Enzyte would go in there I'll bet  (let's see Bob smile and wave with couple of pills shoved up his dick). Of course, Tic Tacs would be a lot cheaper.  (Beware:  The spearmint coating may irritate the foreskin of the uncircumsized man.)

During this last appointment I weighed 242 pounds. I'm too lazy to trot up the stairs to see if I can still wear the shorts I wore to England, but I'll try to do some sort of weight analysis later this week. 

So, what do we need to know?

• Prolactin: 8.0, up from 7.8 (where normal is 2.1 to 17.7)
• Weight: 242, up from a low of 229
• Meds: Dropped to 1/2 pill (.25 mg) once a week

The next drop in medicine would be to be off it completely. If that happens I will still be monitored by my endocrinologist at least annually.

My Hormone Table History Link 

 

Posted by delmer at 7:36 PM | Comments (1)

February 9, 2008

The February Blood Draw

Guy and Gals ...

I had more blood taken. I'll have a more complete update tomorrow, but I wanted to take a moment to mention that after the decrease in meds this past time, my prolactin went up .2 of whatever the measure is. I'll have that tomorrow as well.

So, it went from 7.8 to 8.0.

I'll know Monday of my cabergoline is to be reduced further.

Posted by delmer at 12:38 AM | Comments (0)

January 7, 2008

A Wicked-Late Varicose Vein Update

It has not been quite a year since I've had the varicose vein zapped.  I'd meant to give this update a good long while ago.

If you'd like to read the history of the varicosness, you 'll want to do it in this order.

My mother gives me the vein 

Just a mention of the vein but more about Mel Gibson's ass

It's compared to a muscle 

Possible cause and my BJ at the hospital 

I get it zapped and promise pictures 

And finally, almost a year later, a picture of the new leg.

 

 

Posted by delmer at