« How Addicted | Main | Holy Crap, it's June 9th »
June 9, 2008
Strong Language
I'm not one to be put off by strong language in the bedroom.
Let's face it, there needs to be some sort of talking going on while playing snugglebunnies or the whole thing become a cacophony of grunting and slapping sounds with the occasional vibrating and oogah-horn noises thrown in.
And since a man wants to be careful of what he says in bed — women are always listening and taking notes and a man doesn't want to say anything he can be held accountable for later — cursing (and praying) seem like safe bets. And while I can't explain it somehow screaming "Oh God, oh God, oh God" does seem a bit more romantic than screaming, "I'm going to mow that freakin' yard and then spread some mulch and then paint the window casings!"
Wait. Before we go any further, let me explain why cursing/praying make for better bedroom banter:
Oh God, oh God, oh God: Short and to the point. Rolls off the tongue. If there is a God this might draw his attention to you and the swell job you're doing pleasing your lady. (If you are not married and this is simple fornication, try to make a face that looks repentant during the act. If it is adultery, choose a different deity entirely; maybe that Indian gal with all the arms.)
I'm going to mow that freakin' yard and then spread some mulch and then paint the window casings!: This one has several problems going for it. Firstly, it sets you up for a lot of work just about the time you'll want to slip into the DFS* coma. Secondly, it's a lot to say and in order to get it all out before the exciting climactic end some guys are going to have to start it just about the time they start foreplay.
The guidelines I've laid out here apply only to the men. Women can say anything in bed without too much worry. We're just happy she's there and won't be any less happy if she spends the time she's with us talking about all the other guys who were so much better at pleasing her than we are. It's not like were listening or going to remember anything she says anyway and, secretly, we're thankful for the noise as the chatter keeps us oriented with respect to top-and-bottom navigation. (And boys, if you're doing it right you're eventually going to lose track. This is why I always keep a sextant next to the bed and shoot the North Star before getting out the oils.)
(I've got to say, though, with women top-end and bottom-end aren't really all that important. God, if there is one, was certainly looking out for the guys there. Of course He knew well ahead of time what buffoons we'd be in the bedroom.)
Where were we?
Ah yes.
I'm not one to be bothered by strong language in the bedroom. Thus far in this post I haven't given any examples but let me just say I'm not put off by women screaming things like, shit, fuck or damn. (I can't tell you the number of times I've had a woman climb back into the bed screaming, "What the fuck are you doing!?")
Having said all of that, hearing men curse while I'm in bed is so much not the turn on. Especially at 6:45 in the morning. Especially when my kids' window is on the same side of the house as mine is.
What woke me up this morning? "Something's fucking wrong here," said by one of the construction guys across the street.
And he's right. There are many things fucking wrong there. Not the least of which is construction guys cursing at 6:45 when the city says they can't start working until 7:30. And what the fuck were they doing early Saturday morning that woke me up? And how did that external wall that tilts in for 3/4 of the way up before tilting out (reaching only true vertical at the pivot point) pass inspection? And why is it taking so long to build; is it because they have an American crew working the job? Some Latinos dug out a basement and stuck a three-bedroom house atop it over a long weekend last year (and yes! I'm exaggerating).
I really don't care how long the project takes, though it is taking too long. I don't care how much noise they make; I can typically sleep through anything. However, I don't need an early-morning "fuck" that might wake my kids up.
And I certainly don't need construction guys taking a piss outside by their truck a short stone's throw from the Port-A-John.
*DFS: Drool, Fart, Snore.
Technorati Tags: Contruction
Posted by delmer at June 9, 2008 7:50 AM
Comments
*giggle*
Posted by: Sue at June 9, 2008 10:10 AM
Giggling is another thing I hear a lot of.
Posted by: delmer at June 9, 2008 10:17 AM
I'm a big fan of vocal sex. And "Oh God"s don't do it for me. I'm very, very bad.
I'm with ya on the construction workers.
Posted by: John at June 9, 2008 10:35 AM
You think far too much in the morning.
As for the dirty talk, whether I like it or not depends on who's doing the talking!
Posted by: Finn at June 9, 2008 11:15 AM
John: Sounds like you might be able to make the construction workers take a break from their hammering and what-not, lift an ear to the sky, and ask, "What the hell is that."
Finn: Thinking too much too early is one of my many flaws. And it only gets worse and less coherent after coffee.
Posted by: delmer at June 9, 2008 11:57 AM
Top notch, Delmer. Funny as hell.
Posted by: Black Hockey Jesus at June 9, 2008 12:20 PM
I particularly like the swear strings followed by the "Oh my God sorry I was swearing" - they're always good for a giggle ;o)
Posted by: Lady P at June 9, 2008 1:03 PM
I'm a big fan of raucous encouragement (F me now! oh yes! more! like that! etc.) The language could be weak, strong or Swahili; I don't care. Any sound that originates outside my bedroom and can be heard inside my bedroom is BAD.
Posted by: Icy Mt. at June 9, 2008 1:22 PM
hmmm...what John said...
;)
Posted by: Ginger at June 9, 2008 8:03 PM
Black Hockey Jesus: Thank you for the kind words. You know, drop the Black Hockey and people would be screaming your name.
Lady P: I'm guessing the "Lady" part of your name makes your suitors a little self conscious.
IcyMt: I agree , noises outside the bedroom that make it into the bedroom are never good.
Ginger: I don't believe for a moment that Southern Belles swear. Or sweat.
Posted by: delmer at June 9, 2008 9:40 PM