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April 27, 2008
Therapeutic Concerns of Abuse
April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. In order to help the Rape and Incest National Network (RAINN) raise funds so they may offer online counseling to victims of sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape, members of the blogging community have banded together to lend a hand by writing posts of a specific topic. You can read all the details at Kevin Apgar's site.
If you would like to make a donation to RAINN please be sure to put GBBMC2008 and Delmer Wells in the "Include a note to RAINN" box as there is a chance I could win something. (I am less concerned about winning something than I am about helping the organizers be able to track GBBMC2008 donations. So, at least put the GBBMC2008 bit in.)
Preface:
Hello readers to WADLL? This is Greeneyezz here. Delmer has been very kind and generous to allow me this wonderful opportunity to be a 'guest writer' on his blog for part of this Sexography 2008, Blogger Book Marketing Campaign. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading some of Delmer's personal Sexcapades, as there have been several times where I could be heard laughing amusingly and I even snorted one time as he talked about how a particular model of Bob might require a footer to be poured. I think he may have the market on humorous sex tales, so I won't even attempt to follow those size 14 footsteps.
For those who may not be aware, I'm a therapist in an out-patient mental health clinic. I work with various issues from a wide variety of people and even wider socioeconomic backgrounds. Because I've had the opportunity to work with several people, both male & female, children, teenagers, and adults, who have been sexually abused or raped, I thought I might be able to offer a perspective from a therapeutic standpoint.
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I've had the opportunity to read a few blogs that speak from personal experience. Karl, from Secondhand Tryptophan and Britt from Miss Britt are two that not only come to mind for me, but are informative, inspiring and very touching. Please take the time to read their stories.
When sitting down to determine what I would include here, I realized there would be no way to write about the many different facets from which I could talk about, regarding abuse. A very daunting task indeed. Below are only just a few, and only the tip of the proverbial Iceberg.
Shame & Guilt
More often than not, survivors of this kind of abuse are often filled with immense feelings of shame and guilt. Some very common thoughts that intrude on them and erode away any feelings of peace, include feeling immense guilt over "not being able to stop the abuse," feeling that "they did something wrong", that it is "somehow their fault", if they only did such and such, then this wouldn't have happened to them, etc. etc. Feelings of being dirty, tainted, and damaged. I've had clients who've used bleach to scrub their skin, all in an effort to "get rid of that dirty feeling."
With their skin often left raw and bleeding, all in an effort to make themselves feel clean again.
All of this guilt and shame is unearned.
All of it.
By far, one of the more damaging forms of guilt and shame and the one that seems to have the tightest hold on a survivor, includes guilt over their own body responding. Sometimes the abuse is not viciously done and the child is seduced. Sometimes their body responds. Sometimes they have even had an orgasm. It is still rape. It is still Sex abuse. It's horrific enough to have a family member or some other person known to the family betray and violate that person's trust, but when their own bodies betray them, that often times creates such a severe internal-conflict with them, that's so very hard to shake.
I bring this up for a few reasons. There seems to be a lot of misconception about this, not only on the survivor's part, but the perpetrator as well as the general public too.
How can it be 'rape' or 'sex abuse' if the victim had been responding sexually?
Very easily.
How many know that if you penetrate a male anally and massage his prostrate, he will automatically have an erection?
Or how about children, both males and females? When thinking of someone who is sexually abusing a child, don't make the mistake and assume that the perp *has to* use brute force or fear to accomplish that. Child sexual grooming is often used to set the stage for abuse.
And in the perp's twisted mind, he will turn it around to say that the victim 'wanted it'.
This form of shame and guilt is very destructive, because it feels like even their own bodies have betrayed them.
But what is oftentimes not clearly understood, is the physiology behind it.
Understanding the physiology of our bodies is crucial to helping to pave the way for these survivors to work through this issue.
Have you ever been pinned down and tickled against your will? Ever have that happen? It makes you laugh. But are you enjoying it?
How about cutting up an onion. Your eyes tear up, right??
You cry when this happens, but does it mean that you really are sad??
Those are both physiological responses to some form of stimulation.
And like the two examples above, having your body respond sexually to a form of stimulation, is also a physiological response.
Nothing more.
Because I sometimes try to provide an experiential component when explaining this concept to others, I often bring in a pungent yellow onion right in my office. My client's age, level of functioning and maturity level and safeness will dictate if I provide them with a serrated knife or a plastic knife. I'll have them cut up the onion right in my office and will talk as this is being done. Inevitably, when the tears start coming, I'll ask if they are crying because they are sad. Of course not, it's the onion that is making them cry. This obviously leads into a discussion of physiology and how our body responds to different stimuli.
Dissociation
As with many traumatic experiences, our minds often react in such a brilliant fashion when we struggle to wrap our minds around something horrific. It's a protective factor for us when thoughts, memories, or emotions become too overwhelming for us to deal with and integrate into our own lives. On a severe form, dissociation, or a "splitting off" of that experience is almost necessary for them to survive. There are survivors of both Rape and sexual abuse who often talk about experiencing strong feelings of them "leaving their body" when they were being abused/raped. Many have reported to me feeling like they had risen above and were looking down on them and the abuser, as it was taking place. Think of it as a severe form of denial. Many of you probably have experienced a much diluted form of that already. Ever been given terrible news, like someone close to you dying? Do you remember what you first felt? Did it feel "unreal" to you, like it was a dream, or it wasn't really you that it was happening to?? That's Depersonalization and De-realization happening, both of which are features of dissociation. Many people reported feeling like that when 9/11 had first occurred, and these were people no where near New York.
When working with survivors of this kind of abuse, one feature of this symptom seems to be the high threshold for pain. Unusually high. I've had people describe incidents of severe abuse, things that have made my own skin crawl, and they do that with the same emotional intensity of reading the Wall Street Stock Quotes. Completely detached from the emotional pain of it, as if it was happening to someone else, not them.
A high threshold for physical pain is also quite prominent, because there needs to be a separation or dissociation of their body from the rest of them, in order to survive.
For this, I'll often recommend they attend yoga or other mind/body class like Tai Chi, which both serve to help reconnect themselves to their body.
Sexual abuse and Rape destroys trust. Not only trust in other people, but trust in one's own self, their ability to discern for themselves, who is trustworthy and who is not. Who is safe. And who is not.
It also can destroy a person's sense of self-worth. They are often left with feelings of inadequacy, "un-worthiness," and an overall feeling of being "damaged goods." There's a correlation between those who've been abused and their tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol. Self-medicate so they don't have to feel. Don't have to remember. Don't have to think.
For anyone who might be in treatment with me and may be struggling with their own personal demons related to abuse, whether Sexual, Physical, Emotional, or Verbal, I might, at some point in treatment, pull out a $1.00 bill and ask you if you were offered this, no strings attached, would you want it?
Most likely, you would say "yes".
I would then crumple that dollar bill and ask if you would want it then?
You would most likely say "yes".
I would then throw it on the ground, step all over it, and kick it across the room. I might even rip it in two.
I again would ask you if you would want it?
And again, you would most likely say "yes, I would still want it."
I'd ask you why? Why would you still want it, after it's been crumpled up, tossed on the ground, walked all over and kicked around until it was ripped up, would you still want it?
Your response would most likely be something along the line of, "It's still a dollar bill. It still has value and importance. It's value would not ever be diminished because of what was done to it. It's still wanted. The value has not changed or been diminished in any way."
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Post Script:
**The picture at the top is one that I took in my office. They are anatomically-correct therapeutic dolls, used for diagnosing and treatment of Childhood Sexual Abuse. They have anuses, the males have a penis, scrotum, pubic hair, hair under their arms, and nipples. The females also have an anus, vagina, and breasts. Both have tongues that come out of their mouths, and their fingers can be bent and hold a shape.
And they are a useful tool, when a child has been acting out (read: re-enacting the original trauma) sexually.
I've often said that "Therapy is not for the faint of heart," and I still stand by that statement. It takes a HUGE amount of courage and inner strength to take an honest look into ourselves.
If you have been sexually abused or raped, and have kept quiet about it, please understand that there is help for you. RAINN can definitely help.
© 2008 Greeneyezz
Posted by delmer at April 27, 2008 7:50 PM
Comments
Excellent post. You bring up many good points. It's a bitch to try to turn those evil thoughts off, the ones that say you're not worth anything, that you should have done something about it. I've been through a lot of therapy and I still struggle with these things.
Posted by: Karl at April 27, 2008 10:42 PM
Yes, yes and yes! Thank you for sharing all this. I have at least 20 women I want to send this link to.
That, and it helps me, too. :)
Posted by: Carly at April 28, 2008 12:31 AM
Karl - Yes, I agree. It's a process, and oftentimes a life long process, to let go of those 'old tapes' and develop healthier and kinder thoughts.
"..that you should have done something about it."
I hear that often. I think what is often forgotten is the dynamics of 'power & control' and the intimidation factor, which is so prevelant in Rape and childhood sexual abuse.
Given the circumstance, you along with anyone else who's experienced this Had been doing the best you could, given what you were working with. I've had adults tell me that, as a child, they 'suddenly' switched to PJs with the footies in them, PJS with the bottoms on them - no longer wearing nightgowns, would 'pretend' they were asleep, would hide in closets and underbeds, would run away from home, stay after school longer, etc. etc etc....all in an attempt to 'do something about it" and stop the abuse. They did the best they could, with what they had. And, without knowing you Carl, I'm sure you did too.
Carly - Thank you for your comment. I was trying to provide some information that might be beneficial to all people. I hope this helps.
~ZZ
Posted by: Greeneyezz at April 28, 2008 11:24 AM
Excellent post, ZZ, especially the value of human beings. We are all broken and dirty people; yet we all retain an intrinsic value. My brother and sister-in-law are both Psych Docs. Brudda works with kids/families and SIL works with post-traumatic women/families. Some of the things that they have told me make my skin crawl, while at the same time creating an urgent need to wrap my hands around the perpetrator's neck, if I can get my mind around it at all (and they don't share the worst stuff). The simple fact that you (and they) have a use for anatomically-correct therapeutic dolls is hard for me think about for very long.
Posted by: Icy Mt. at April 28, 2008 12:41 PM
Great post. I hope it gets a lot of reads.
Posted by: Stacey at April 28, 2008 3:38 PM
This was an excellent post. Thank you for sharing your insight.
Posted by: Ginger at April 28, 2008 10:34 PM
IcyMt - "we all retain an intrinsic value." Exactly! You have family in the field then? I'm sure both have come across alot. :(
The dolls are very telling. It has been my experience though that the re-enacting of abuse usually occurs long before they get to me, often in the context of 'regular play'.
Stacey - Thanks. I'm hoping so too. :) If it will help even just one person....
Ginger - Thanks for the kind words. I'm really kinda hoping that it reaches those who have been abused yet too frightened to come forward and get help.
~ZZ
Posted by: Greeneyezz at April 29, 2008 12:14 AM
Delmer,
This goes out to you.
I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to share my thoughts and professional experience here, on your blog.
As you know, I really didn't want to register myself, but desired to contribute in a way that held meaning for me.
You've provided a wonderful venue for me to do this, and for that I am deeply grateful.
I also want to thank you for having such a big generous heart to register and promote such a worthy cause in the first place. That goes with out saying.
*MWAW*
P.S.
As per one of your sex posts (Toys for the Attic), where you talk of a Bob that had....
"...had burned up do to overuse."
Now, Now... Any Resourceful Woman *knows* that simply re-attaching the broken off wires to the nodes, will have that Bunny hoppin' along again, as if he was the Energizer Mascot!!
;)~~
~ResourcefulZZ
Posted by: Greeneyezz at April 29, 2008 12:48 AM