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March 2, 2008
Another Near Miss
This blog entry will start with, "Today I was sitting on the toilet" and will go downhill from there. This is another of those things that women really should not read.
I'm not kidding.
Today I was sitting on the toilet reading and making room for an early-afternoon snack. After the maneuver, sometimes called a movement in your amateur-shitting circles, I, in one fluid motion, scootched forward and pushed off the seat with my right hand to gain the elevation needed that would allow me to turn and check my work. As I turned I slipped left and headed off the seat.
Unable to catch myself I careened toward the floor.
But just for about a 1/2 cheek's travel. The groove that separates my cheeks acted, in conjunction with the toilet seat itself, as a safety device to arrest my fall. They worked together much like the spout cover on my gas can works. Now, as you may not have a gas can like the one I have you might have trouble imagining what I'm talking about, but trust me, my first thought upon skidding to a halt was, "hey, that worked sort of like my gas can spout lid."
Really, I guess, that was my second thought. My first thought was, "thank God I didn't pinch my balls between the toilet seat and the bowl rim." And even though there was no pinching involved, and the time of crisis had passed, I shivered just a little bit. There's a very good chance that if you have balls, just reading that has given you the same shiver and you may have even gone so far as to thank God that whatever it is you are doing at this moment has not led to some sort of ball pinching.
["Thank God reading Delmer's blog has not led to my balls being pinched." (And it never will… can other blogs make the same guarantee?)]
Periodically I'll find myself on a toilet seat that is loose or misaligned to the toilet bowl rim to the point that is has some side-to-side play in it; I'll always worry that the seat will shift to the point that it will lead to testicle crunching. It has never happened and the design of the male's testicular region might be such that it's interplay with a toilet seat could in no way lead to testicle crunching, but I still worry about it. I think it's better to be extra cautious than take a cavalier pooping approach and risk doing some damage. (Testicles, for those of you that don't have one or two at hand, are sensitive instruments containing many delicate gears and the smallest bit of Silly Putty. My worry is that mushing them between a toilet seat and bowl rim might strip some teeth off a gear or two that would lead to a disagreeable grinding noise. And, of course, it would hurt like nothing else.)
So, there I was, caught by the lip of my starboard butt cheek on the port side of the toilet seat. Safe and sound. Marveling in the fact that prior to 2008 I'd never almost fallen off a toilet and that it had happened twice in about a month.
I checked to see if I'd left a Rorschach on the seat, (I had: two ducks kissing) and cleaned it off with some disinfectant.
And then I set about putting together an afternoon snack; I had room and a near-catastrophe always works up my appetite.
Posted by delmer at March 2, 2008 9:18 PM
Comments
Your obsession with toilets never ceases to amaze me ;o)
Posted by: Lady P at March 3, 2008 1:42 PM
Women don't listen when men say we won't want to know something. I never thought I'd find your shit interesting, but I do.
Posted by: Sue at March 3, 2008 1:56 PM
delmer,
my first time here. saw this on sue's shared articles in google reader.
i am still out of breath from laughing!
i laughed HARD the whole way through. i couldn't believe it! you killed me here. i am still giggling. thanks so much for the great hard laugh. my eyes are even watering from laughing so hard because of you.
good day man,
kathleen :)
Posted by: so grateful to be mormon at March 3, 2008 3:20 PM
Lady P: But toilets are truly marvels of engineering. Especially the ones you folks have.
Sue: I try to make my shit more interesting than most (which is sometimes hard to do without mentioning 'corn.')
Kathleen: Thank you for the compliment. (I see that Mormon gals are just as rebellious as non-Mormons when it comes to taking advice on reading material.)
Posted by: delmer at March 3, 2008 5:30 PM
Delmer...your honesty will be difficult to match.
:)
again...my eyes watered..from laughter.
Posted by: Diane at March 3, 2008 6:41 PM
Well, better from laughing that any unwanted pinching/crushing.
:)
Posted by: delmer at March 3, 2008 10:21 PM
The groove that separates my cheeks acted, in conjunction with the toilet seat itself, as a safety device to arrest my fall.
All I could think of while reading this post was, "If only Elvis would've had a safety device to arrest his fall..."
Does that make me a bad person?
Posted by: Ginger at March 3, 2008 10:47 PM
If *anyone* ever calls you Anal-Retentive, be sure to direct them to this article.
Posted by: Greeneyezz at March 6, 2008 10:29 PM