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February 8, 2008
Rock Operas
Who would have thought that I'd be able to take a near disaster in the bathroom and get three blog entries out of it? Fully 2/3 or my trips to the bathroom take less time than telling this story has; a bathroom misstep hasn't seen this much virtual ink since Senator Larry Craig made the news (maybe Mr. Craig's defense should have been that he was just trying to regain his balance and that he splayed his legs out to help him do so).
Anyway, rather than drag this out too much more, let's proceed with the ballet that is my bowel movements.
I've had several sit-down sessions in the men's room since the near catastrophe and it was the very next BM after the almost-fatal one that I figured out what was wrong. It came in one of those moments that you sometimes have when you've made an error of some sort, can't figure it out, go about your day, come to the same task again and work through it on autopilot (as you've done it without injury tens of thousands of times before) and then, after successfully accomplishing the portion that had almost injured you before, you have a Hey, that's what went wrong thought.
And that's how I found myself perched on the left side of the toilet seat (as you are seated looking forward) on my left butt cheek.
After I do my business I scootch forward, lean up on my left cheek, take a look back and check for harmonicas, and then despool some TP and get down to business. The whole process takes but a second or two and, as I suggest above, has a Swan Lake -like quality about it.
Two days ago something went horribly wrong and while I'm not sure what caused it — maybe I had a feeling that this was the time! I'd actually expelled a hand-held musical instrument and I was eager to see — but I scootched forward and/or leaned left a little too much and almost fell to the floor between the toilet and the wall. The shock and surprise was so great that I made the wuh-uh noise I mentioned the other day; which I suppose moves the event from the ballet category and pushes it more toward opera.
Many of you, no doubt, are likely wondering if guys really have the fascination with things that come out of their bodies and the cleaning that goes along with those things. Let me assure you they do. A very successful friend of mine, not long ago, went into some detail about a pus-filled something he had on his back; the whole time he was telling me about it I was saying "I know what you mean," and then I went on to tell him about something I found under my arm once.
Every guy I know looks at his snot when he blows his nose.
Based solely on anecdotal evidence a lot of guys also check their poo.
I shot an e-mail off to a friend of mine earlier today. The content of the mail was simply, "Until it bleeds? Or almost until it bleeds?" This is a guy I haven't seen since, jeez, has it been seven years? And I've not had e-mail contact in about four. When his e-mail comes back it will be a simple line: "Until it bleeds." And this is the technique he suggests using during the process that starts Step 1: Despool toilet paper. Despite the fact we haven't been in contact for years he'll know exactly what I mean when my e-mail hits his in-box. (And I imagine he'll get a chuckle out of it.)
Another of my friends makes three passes at his ass and calls it quits without giving it another thought. While I know this about him I don't know if his diet consists primarily of green-leafy vegetables and other foods that lead to pooping like a rabbit and, thus, requires very little paper, or if his metabolism works in such a way that his poo is encapsulated in some sort of hard yet pliable plastic-like substance before it is expelled from his body. And what strikes me about knowing this about my friend is not that I know it, but that he mentioned it when we were 22 and I've had the memory lodged in my brain, like a peanut in my colon, for the past 25 years.
I really wish I had a better closing for this post. You know, something that would tie it all together. I even hoped, for a second, that as I typed "tie it all together" something funny would strike me about that string of words and I'd be able to build on them.
Alas, no.
Posted by delmer at February 8, 2008 7:11 AM
Comments
Just what I needed to read as I sit drinking my tea after my first day back at work. Mmmmmm, thanks for that ;o)
Posted by: Lady P at February 8, 2008 11:23 AM
Bowel movement ballets - I love it!!! I've been kind of like away from the computer for awhile now, looked at the bloglines reader thing & thought FOURTEEN?!?!?! How could he have made fourteen posts since I went to his site?!?!?!?! But then when I clicked over I was like, "Oh...poop...of course..." Anyway, hope you aren't too injured, I'll have to read down some more!
Posted by: Jill/Twipply Skwood at February 10, 2008 9:09 PM
Lady P: I'm all about helping people with their post-illness recovery.
Jill: I seem to have come away from the incident unscathed, though I've taken to wearing my bicycle helmet to the can on high-fiber days.
Posted by: delmer at February 11, 2008 1:14 PM