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December 11, 2007
My Mother the Crime Fighter
It is no secret that I have trophy parents whose goals seem to be to make my life better. Having found that this lacks the challenge it once had, they have moved on to making Franklin, Ohio a safer, better place to live. To this end, my mother has recently become a crime fighter.
Just the other day the Betty Signal — which closely resembles a pair of support hose — flashed onto the clouds in the gray, December sky over Franklin. Mom sprung into action and fired up the Betty Mobile, a newish, reddish, Buick LeSabre, and roared out toward the Marsh supermarket.
Actually, I think she was on her way home from that area but I had trouble working Betty Signal into a scenario in which she was already tooling around town.
Anyway, as she was heading down Millard Drive, named after famed blogger Marie Millard (not really), she noticed flashing red lights in her rear-view mirror and did what anybody else would do. She stashed her Bud up under the seat started pulling to the curb. Also making his way to the curb, to pass my mother and elude the police, was wanted felon Robert Wichern. My mother, applying the law of physics that states two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, was able to bring a halt to the police chase as wanted felon Robert Wichern bombed into her. Wanted felon Robert Wichern then tried to occupy the same space that was already being occupied by a stop sign and the combination of trying to occupy all of these already-occupied spaces eventually rendered his vehicle inoperable.
Winchern jumped from his car and with my mother hot on his heels made his break for freedom.
"Freeze mutherfucker!" screamed my mom as she pulled a Tazer from her purse.
"Don't Taze me, bro" yelled Winchern as he broke stride.
"You're my bitch now," yelled Betty, a bit put off that she'd just had the Buick detailed and it was now a mess, "Get down on the ground!"
Following an aggressive frisking, wanted felon Robert Wichern was turned over to the police.
Some of that has been fictionalized, but I think it's pretty close to what happened.
When mom was telling me the story she mentioned that it had made the news. "And you know the thing that upset me the most?" she asked. (And I'll give you a second to see if you can guess.)
"Did they call you old?" I wondered aloud.
"Elderly woman! They said I was an elderly woman! Now I know how your dad felt the day those kids referred to him as an 'old man'"
Mom, though her pride was wounded, was unhurt in the car crash.
Today dad and I were talking about the accident and the damage to the car. "You know they guy that hit your mother doesn't have insurance and I'm going to have to pay the deductible," he told me.
I agreed that didn't sound fair.
"And that's just the beginning of the expenses. I've got no idea what a new hair-do and face lift are going to cost me to take care of this 'elderly woman' I'm living with."
Comments like that might provide to repeat readers an explanation as to where I get the idea to say some of the things I say.
Before I got off the phone I told mom to look on the bright side: Regardless of how old she is she's not so old that they had any trouble determining her gender.
You can read a watered-down version of the crime-stopping in the Cincinnati Enquirer.
Posted by delmer at December 11, 2007 6:11 PM
Comments
Wow way to go Granny!!! Big D needs to be careful making remarks about face lifts or she might just put him in traction!!
Posted by: Pen at December 11, 2007 5:17 PM
Is your Mom's name actually Betty? Because for some reason that really made the story for me.
Either way, she rocks. :)
Posted by: diane at December 11, 2007 5:39 PM
Way to go SuperBetty! I think the city's residents should pay for the car damage and a face lift for your mother...if she wants one because I'm sure she doesn't need one. (My car is also in the body shop because of somebody else's actions, but neither the car nor I stopped a criminal during the incident. More's the pity. However, my garage stopped a criminal once.)
Posted by: Missy at December 11, 2007 7:07 PM
First, it's odd seeing Warren County OHIO, and not Warren County PA, where I'm at.
Second, I never thought of your mom as elderly... you're actually quite young in my mental imaging.
That's horrible.. they said elderly twice. sheesh.
Posted by: Sue at December 12, 2007 1:47 AM
I know, to admit to "Betty Lou" after many jokes and songs but-- I just want to say thanks for the support- it really was a scary situation. Here is the best, when asked my age I knocked off a year. It wasn't until two days later Big D informed me I was a year older than I was giving. Jush! I seem to be getting "elderly" faster that I expected.
Posted by: Granny/Mom (Lost idenity Betty Lou) at December 12, 2007 6:46 AM
To Betty:
We think you're beautiful...maybe dangerously so. Maybe two teenage hostages weren't enough and he thought he'd nab one more babe. We're glad you're alright!
Posted by: Darrell at December 12, 2007 7:33 AM
Darrell: Thanks!!! Sherry will like the dropping a year to even the police--(actually I think it was the JEMS)--you got to say, when I lie I stick with it. Hope to see you'all at Christmas. Look out for snow.
Posted by: Granny/Mom at December 12, 2007 8:04 AM
As all the cool kids say: She's a Betty.
(Alright, it may have been a while since anybody has said this. You folks do get the Betty/Wilma reference and how Betty Rubble was the hotter of the two cartoon moms ... right?)
Posted by: delmer at December 12, 2007 11:09 AM
Wowee kazowee!!!! WTG mom!!!!!!! They probably just used the word "elderly" to make what's his face sound like more of a hardened criminal. Y'know - if he had just crashed into another vehicle it wouldn't sound as bad. Whoever wrote the story might have been itching to also include an infant grandchild in the back seat. Couldn't you have rented a baby somewhere for the occasion?
Seriously though - glad you're okay!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jill/Twipply Skwood at December 14, 2007 9:41 PM