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November 16, 2007
The Call Went Like This
I had the following phone conversation the other day.
Caller: I was just reading your blog and came across the Eight Things About Eight Things Meme and wondered about something.
Me: Yea?
Caller: Aren't you concerned that of the scores of women you've slept with, one or two of them might read your blog and take offense at the comment you made about having weak orgasms?
Hmmm. I hadn't really considered that. Though, a lot of the women were blonds and would be hard pressed to spell Delmer, so it's unlikely they'd find my blog anyway. A couple of the brunettes actually screamed the wrong name (which is less distracting than it sounds) and may be nothing to worry about. The redheads... now there's a vindictive group. Still, the weak orgasm things is more my problem than anybody else's.
Me: I hadn't really thought about it.
Caller: So, you don't think one or two of the throng might have a concern?
Me: I guess I'm not sure.
Caller: Well, think about it. You might want to print some sort of note about how this is a problem you've always had and is not a reflection, at all, on the bedroom skill-set possessed by any of the many women you've been with. And that you've enjoyed every minute you've spent with every single one of them -- even the spitters -- and that everything is always a lot of fun and very exciting, something you always look forward to, and super-cool and that the bit at the end, while still pretty good for you, could be even better -- great by some reports -- and the fact that you know the ending for you isn't going to be as good as it could be doesn't keep you from pulling out all the stops, and the occasional toy, and giving 100% when it comes to making sure the woman you're with at the time is the happiest woman alive; at least for a couple hours or until you fall asleep. You wouldn't want it to get around the vast woman underground that you seem unappreciative and that you blame women for the fact that you aren't what they'd call "a screamer." You might also want to mention that your kids go to your ex's Friday night and will be gone until the next Friday -- and that the pattern repeats every second week -- um, just because.
Me: Hmmm. Well that's a lot to type.
Caller: I'm just saying. Anyway, what time will you and the boys be down for Thanksgiving?
Me: Should be about noon, mom. Don't let dad eat the gizzard.
Alright. Maybe it wasn't mom and maybe it wasn't a call. Maybe a guy I used to work e-mailed me to ask if I'd given up on snuggling with any of the women I'd slept with in the past (By the way, their number would only make up a bowling team. With a varsity and a JV squad. And some subs. A coach. A watergirl. Equipment managerette. Mascot ...).
(I told my buddy that both his mother and sister had called just that morning and I'm pretty sure they read the blog -- so, perhaps, women are less sensitive than he thinks.)
BOING! (just because).
Today's picture: The boys in Clear Creek in Franklin, Ohio. May 2005. When I was little I used to spend a lot of time playing in the same creek.
Posted by delmer at November 16, 2007 7:08 AM
Comments
If you were writing this blog just to increase the chances of getting laid, your style would have changed a long time ago.
Posted by: Icy Mt. at November 16, 2007 11:39 AM
Great post, hilarious!!
Hello from Canada, i dropped in via Blogrush!!
Posted by: iamthediva at November 16, 2007 1:12 PM
I'm not goint to speak on behalf of other women now, but if I'm not totally wrong, I think that most women don't worry about male orgasms that much. After all, most men don't worry about ours either... and we know we are all adorable and sexy and all that, if a guy don't get how sexy we are then it's his problem ;)
Posted by: Susie at November 16, 2007 1:28 PM
I've been to clear creek.
Anyway... as a woman, I fully understand that the strength of the orgasm isn't always a controllable issue. I do have some tips, however... if you're interested, that is.
Posted by: Sue at November 16, 2007 3:09 PM
Ladies first in my book! Well "lady" would be more accurate. I've always been more concerned with hers than my own, I've even read a book on it by Sam Kinison......
Hell a women could raise her eyebrows at a guy and he's 80% there.
Posted by: mikeo at November 16, 2007 7:10 PM
IcyMt: Had I known there was such a thing as blog groupies, I would have started using smaller words a long time ago.
Diva: Thank you. In return for the nice compliment I promise not to use 'eh' in a derogatory manner when I mention Canadians in the blog ... forever. (If you search the archive you'll find that I refer to Canadians as the nicest people in the world ... just ahead of midwestern Americans.)
Susie: Trust me. Men always worry about how the women are faring. Sure, we put up a good front when we're with the gals, but when we're hanging out at the bar with the guys conversation always turns to things like, "I don't know if I got Carol over the edge the other night." This, of course, is followed by tips from the other guys about what the first guy might have done better. "Not drooling" is often suggested.
Sue: I, and men in general, are always interested in tips. In my case I think 'not worrying' my be the best thing I can do.
MikeO: You read a book? That wasn't about design? Or cars?
Posted by: delmer at November 16, 2007 10:41 PM
That's certainly a good suggestion, but not what I was going to say.
Posted by: Sue at November 17, 2007 12:16 PM