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September 27, 2007
DGP
The other day I received the following SPAM item:
Please read one of the numerous letters we receive from our consumers:
"Although my experience with different dick enlargement methods was certainly very negative, I still couldn't help looking for some efficient one. I'm so happy I tried your Dick Growth Patch. With it my length has gone up by an inch and a half and I have gained nearly a whole inch in width.
Thanks a lot."
William, Talladega.
Oh gosh. Where to start? Where to end?
Let's suppose you own a penis or you have a friend who will lend one to you as you need it. In the old days that penis, when in fun mode, would likely have been about 6.16 inches long and would have had a girth of 4.84 inches (Kinsey, 1948).
I say in the old days because a couple of years ago some new information was released. In 1996 the Journal of Urology reported that the average erect length of a penis was 5.08 inches. In 2000 the International Journal of Impotence Research concluded that the average size of an erect penis was 5.35 inches.
So, it's almost like we all got a raise in 1996. We were all, spiritually anyway, an inch bigger. I don't know if this was due to some sort of equipment recalibration or new math or what. I just know it was good for all of us and, generally speaking, good for America. Yes, I know, in 2000 we took a small step backwards but I'm pretty sure this had something to do with Bush taking office and I expect we'll retake those gains as soon as we put Hillary in The White House. (Maybe that should be part of her platform.)
But this entry is not about penis length. No. Not at all.
Today we're concerned with girth.
Girth is the distance around an object. If you wear 34" jeans then your girth at your waist is 34". Until of course you go to buy dress pants and you find you need something in a 36" or 38" waist.
As stated above the average girth of a penis — yours or the one you've borrowed — is 4.8 inches (12.2 cm).
The girth of a toilet paper roll is 14 cm (5.5 inches or a bit girthier than the average penis). If you take that TP roll and make it a square along the sides (instead of round) each side is roughly 3.5 cm (1.38 inches).
4 x 3.5 cm = 14 cm (5.5 inches). See how it works.
Alright. Your 12.2 cm (in girth) penis is about as big around as the top of a pill bottle (BTW, rarely do you want to push down and turn a penis). For some additional perspective, your first finger and middle finger are about 4 cm when they are side by side (that is, if you are me); you'll notice our pill bottle top is about 4 cm across.
If you were to make your average 12.2 cm penis more square instead of round it would be 3.05 cm per side.
Oh, where could this be going?
Width is a measurement of something from side to side. In the above William from Talladega says the Amazing Dick Patch added an inch in width.
One inch is 2.54 cm. Multiply this by 4 and you find William has increased his girth by 10.16 cm (4 inches). If he was average before this pushes him to 22.38 cm or 8.8 inches.
Which makes him about as girthy as a 14-ounce can of Sauerkraut (Bavarian Style).
If you put the whole package together you get something like this:
That is a 750 ml water bottle which is about the size of William's new penis. You'll see I went the extra mile and found a water bottle with a glans penis section (often called the door knob by urologists).
Honestly, I've no idea what makes women happy — and I have a $5000.00 decree signed by a judge and witnessed by two attorneys as evidence of this — but I've got to think, and I don't say this out of jealousy, something like this would be a little on the scary side for a woman.
For some additional perspective, the normal amount of ejaculate that a man provides during orgasm is 1.5 to 5 ml. William's new penis holds 750 ml. Not that this will prove to be a concern for his Mrs. unless, of course, she's able to dislocate her lower jaw anaconda-like.
And think of the wet spot something like this could leave!
Posted by delmer at September 27, 2007 12:01 AM
Comments
LMAO
So she's only worried about head??? LOLOL
LOL I don't want some 14 ounce can of Bavarian Sauerkraut thrusting toward either end thanks.
Still fucking funny post--and excellent job to find the uber- phallic water bottle.
And--how much cream filling there is in a pie is not determined by the spatula ;-) Just sayin'
Posted by: Turnbaby at September 26, 2007 11:44 PM
Dahahaha! the wet spot! hahahahahah
Oh my... penises. Being a woman, I will say anything larger than average would not suit me personally, but vaginas, like penises, come in different sizes as well. So do mouths.
Love the post!
Posted by: Sue at September 27, 2007 8:44 AM
Oh Delmer. Oh Delmer.
Posted by: Pen at September 27, 2007 10:34 AM
I wonder why YOU receive that SPAM......
Posted by: Jack at September 27, 2007 12:23 PM
Wow.
Posted by: Darrell at September 27, 2007 1:11 PM
Del, Pen doesn't know what memories "Ohhhhh Delllllmmeer" brings back. Those were the days my girth challenged friend.
Posted by: Darrell at September 27, 2007 1:15 PM
I thought we were supposed to delete SPAM without reading it in order to protect our delicate IT infrastructure (thereby protecting our delicate IT infrastructuror).
Posted by: Icy Mt. at September 27, 2007 2:08 PM
Even I receive that kind of spam, and, as the workaholic I am, I only use my pc for work. I never dare to open those mails though, fearful of my laptop's frail and vulnerable infrastructure, but some of the most common headlines are VIAGRA, xx extenison, russian broads and vip casinos - talk about untargeted marketing...
Posted by: Kristine at September 27, 2007 4:57 PM
Girth of a Nation. Wasn't that a film? I also think there's a fire hose joke in here somewhere.
Posted by: Rob at September 27, 2007 6:49 PM
See, now I feel much better because I can PICTURE it.
Delmer Explains It All.
:)
Posted by: aka_monty at September 27, 2007 7:03 PM
Doesn't your mom read this blog?
Posted by: mikeo at September 27, 2007 7:58 PM
Lady P: Please see the "Mr. Ed" reference in the other entry.
Darrell: Saying things like 'girth challenged' isn't really going to help me meet chicks. "Oh Dellllmmmerrr" cracks me up every time I see it, though.
Jack: I wonder the same thing.
IcyMt: I, as an IT professional, am permitted to take chances others shouldn't. It's similar to an electrician changing an outlet without cutting power to it first. (I also have -- as part of a pilot project -- a newer version of Outlook. I can keep the preview pane open without risking bringing the company to its knees.)
Rob: The post certainly needs something ... maybe a firehose joke could have saved it.
MikeO: No. But Jerry's mom does. (OK. Yes, but she is currently in an Internet-free part of the country right now.)
Posted by: delmer at September 27, 2007 11:29 PM
Why did you need to buffer this? You need to send this out to every single man who gets those stupid emails (women too because I get them all the damn time and I don't even have a penis). I consider it a public service announcement. I've never really seen anyone put so much research and effort into a piece of spam. There's a first for everything, I suppose. Well done.
Posted by: Black Belt Mama at September 28, 2007 1:43 PM
I'm going to echo the "wow" comment..nice post!
Posted by: ses5909 at September 28, 2007 10:37 PM
Delmer,Delmer,Delmer------I am back!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Granny/MOM at October 1, 2007 5:57 PM
Ahh ... it's a shame the comments were hosed until this afternoon. I may have rethought the buffer post had I realized the support this one would get.
Posted by: delmer at October 8, 2007 9:09 PM
This is a truly amazing post and illustrative of what happens when you have a geek (and geeks by my definition are anyone who is really into all the details of a particular interest be it computers, taxes, or..penis girthiness).
I did a post called "Rear View" (I think that's what I called it, it was ages ago) that discussed well, rears. Anyway, I have also gotten "enlargement" spam and I currently have nothing to enlarge (either borrowed or personally).
Thanks for linking back to this post so I could discover it! I admit I had to take out a ruler to see what "average" was like and thought,"Hmm. That works."
I love the AA battery and bottle tops! hehehehe.
Now your comment left at Jill's about why people find their way to your site looking for dating advice makes sense!
Now I have to keep reading to track down what you mean by "issues."
Posted by: Ms. Q at October 12, 2007 4:52 PM
The AA battery is a rechargeable one as well. Just like ... well, you know.
Posted by: delmer at October 12, 2007 7:58 PM
Thankfully, "you know" IS rechargeable. I did read your Cialis (with a wine chaser?) post as well. I am so out of it (not sure if this is good or bad...) that by the name, I thought asthma medication. Doh!
I mean, I knew:
Levitra = levitate
Viagra = Vi(gorous?)
Cialis - I dunno. My vague thought processes were:
cirrus->clouds->air->breathing
Not: Ceiling (e.g. "point to the ceiling")
Posted by: Ms. Q at October 12, 2007 9:52 PM
I heard, the other day, that it was a play on something French ... for weekend ... or three days ... or something. When I heard it, it made some sense -- now I can't think of it.
Posted by: delmer at October 16, 2007 10:29 PM