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December 13, 2006
We are filthy beasts
"When I poop I can see cashews in it," said Samson as we sat at the dinner table. "When I look I see tan pieces."
Which is good information to have. Had he noticed a big bloody mass of some sort, I'd want to know, so it's only fair that I hear about the more benign items he spots in his stool.
And why is he looking? If you've been reading here more than a week or so do you really have to ask? We're a house full of guys.
Most of the time being a house full of guys is as cool as it sounds. However, the other day I got a little tired of the freewheeling manner in which the boys were breaking wind and laid down the law. From that point forward wind breaking would only be permitted in the bathrooms and the mud room, which we renamed "The Fart-a-torium." (You have to have some fun with it.)
Loud burping would be tolerated only in those rooms as well.
And no farting or burping in front of women. We're not savages.
FWIW, Sammo isn't the only person to look at his poo. I, for the life of me, don't remember how I know this, but a couple of my male friends check their droppings when they let one loose, as do I. Why? Because you've got to know what's in there. If there's blood it might be an indication that something is wrong ... maybe too much cheese ... not enough fiber ... too much fiberglass in the diet ... something worse.
I don't think Sam was looking for any of those reasons. He was just curious about what might be in there. In his case it was cashews. And why not; it is the holidays. I imagine he sees fewer cashews and more corn in the summer.
Freud had something to say about poop. I'm pretty sure it wasn't "pick up after your dog." It was probably something thought provoking, though less useful.
Almost a year ago I had a physical -- I'm due for one next month. At that time I was given a stool-collection-kit. I was supposed to make a poo and smear some on a card which I'd mail in. Had I been given a box and a pair of tongs I'd a been all over it ... hell, I'd have even printed off my own Bio-Hazard stickers and paid extra postage ... but a card ... and not even a post card, this thing went in an envelope. I sort of lost interest.
Actually, someone suggested it may not be as simple as making a poo and sending some in. Some diet restrictions may have been needed, like no red meat for three days. Now, I go weeks without red meat, so it isn't a problem. But, it isn't anything I track, it just happens and I didn't want to have to monitor just how much red meat I was or wasn't eating. I, apparently, would much rather end up with cancer of the colon or whatever blood in the stool suggests.
Which reminds me of something else I can't recall how I know. A friend of mine recommends "wiping until you see blood" as the appropriate manner for taking care of the post-BM activity. I'll bet her stool-collection cards are something to see.
A couple of year ago, after a year or more of not having corresponded with this friend, I sent the following e-mail: "I've forgotten. Is it wipe until you bleed? Or almost bleed."
The one line reply: "Until you bleed."
I know that even though I haven't seen or talked to the friend in years I could count on her to give me sound bathroom advice even today.
Your old friends are always there for you.
Sometimes they bring the TP.
Sometimes I misrepresent their gender.
Posted by delmer at December 13, 2006 10:04 PM
Comments
"Most of the time being a house full of guys is as cool as it sounds"....you think??? My daughter and I are quite content with just the 1 male in our house thanks - if he wasn't my only son and first born I think I would ask him to leave! He's at that horrible age on the cusp of boy and man - some days he just grunts and doesn't speak any real words at all - those are nice days...
In case anyone reads this and panics - I do truely love my son, he is adorable and really not as awful as he could be ;)
Posted by: Pen at December 14, 2006 4:21 AM
I realized the other day that fart jokes still send me rolling on the floor in tears. I was watching Whose Line Is It Anyway, and...oh man, I can't even explain it. It involved someone farting while riding an elephant. I was cackling so hard I thought the neighbors would call the cops!
(as a longtime sufferer of digestive distresses, I have peeked in on my poo now and again to make sure it was normal)
Posted by: diane at December 14, 2006 3:28 PM
Pen: My boys are adorable as well, but there are times I sometimes want to trade one or two of them in. The oldest is 13 and has been home all week with spots on his throat and a mild fever. He's been too sick for school by not at death's door. The other night we had pork chops for dinner and as we sat down he licked his finger and then touched the chop he wanted so his brothers wouldn't get it. As much as I wanted to make the point that, as the dad, I always get the biggest chunk of meat, I had no desire to catch whatever he has just to spite him. So he got a lecture instead.
Diane: Whose Line is it Anyway always puts me in tears. Some of the things they come up with are amazing.
When you are in the mood for some spectacular toots, supplement your diet with whey protein. Just today (and how timely, I have a reason to tell this story thanks to your comment) I was standing out front enjoying the mild December 14 we were having with a coworker who was smoking. There was a breeze blowing and I had a bit of silent gas. As we were speaking my coworker paused and said, "I'd like to compliement you on that fart you just let loose."
"You could smell that?" I asked, sort of suprised. I mean, I could, but I'd hoped the breeze had taken it away.
"Smell it? I was afraid my cigarette might ignite it."
Posted by: delmer at December 14, 2006 8:31 PM
Your "wipe till you bleed" story reminds me of what ole doc roy used to tell me on how to treat my aching shoulder..."take 2 advil every 2 hour until you poop blood, then take 2 more" Needless to say to those reading at home, roys not even close to being a real doctor. I always thought that was pretty funny though.
Posted by: Darrell at December 14, 2006 11:20 PM
Darrell: What Roy lacks in medical knowledge he more than makes up for with sincerity. (Your comment had me laughing out loud ... of course I have the benefit of being able to imagine Roy giving the advice.)
Posted by: delmer at December 16, 2006 5:43 PM