What's a Delmer Look Like?

I won't go into how SJP and chewing cloth go together to form a bizarre, erotic dream.

And this brings me to this morning.

At 5:36 my phone rang and woke me up. I didn't fully wake up during the ringing part but during the you've got a message waiting reminder sounds. And I wasn't fully awake, I'm pretty sure, until the last reminder sound. (I remember hearing the ringing, though.)

I'd dropped by work yesterday and given network a look and things looked fine so I wasn't horribly concerned that there was a major problem at work. And, a lot of these early calls are e-mail issues isolated to workstations -- they would work themselves out if the user would get up and go to the coffee pots before calling me.

Still, some problems are severe and I couldn't get back to sleep. Even though the you've got a message waiting beeps sounded sort of funny and not like they normally do. Even though they didn't continue as long as they usually do.

I climbed out of bed. There was no message which means there was no reminder beeps. There was no indication from my recent call list that work had called. It was a dream.

So, here I sit in front of the TV. The remote has come up missing so I don't have the ability to flip from channel-to-channel willy nilly.

As I manually flipped around I came across a show with a guy I see from time to time. Until today I had no idea what the guy was selling but I'd always had the opinion that whatever it was I'd never buy it based solely on the guy's appearance. The man needs an image consultant -- someone to tell him that if you are trying to sell folks something you should do everything you can to not look like a con man.

Someone to tell him that while Pencil Thin Mustache is a fine Jimmy Buffet song it is a poor facial affectation. Especially when the types of things oozing out from beneath the mustache are things like your bowel movements should be the same size, proportionately speaking, as those of your four-year old.

I couldn't find a pic of Klee. This one
of Boston Blackie shows a better
example of the mustache in question.

For those of you without four-year olds handy, let me share with you a story about one of Haydn's bowel movements. Without going into too much detail I commented to Haydn, at the time, that said BM was almost as big as his arm.

Without doing any actual measuring I think it is about three-feet from the tip of my nose to the end of my fingertip. If we deduct some length for the shoulder and even the hand we're left something over two feet. And I would argue that for the purposes of fecal-matter measuring, the hand should be considered part of the arm.

Even without taking into account the girth that is going to be a hard turd to pass. I suppose if it articulates about half-way down, like an elbow, it would be easier to evacuate. But it's still going to be a bitch.

Based in this type of logic am I to think that my urine stream should have a fire-hose quality to it now that I'm older. Have you ever heard a four-year old urinate? It's amazing the force of their stream doesn't chip the porcelain. Adjusting this mechanism for age-appropriate size, adult men would have to harness themselves to the toilet to keep the force of their stream from throwing them back against the wall. (And whatever you do ... don't cross the streams)

Klee Irwin, the guy from Dual Action Cleanse, states that there is something like 15 to 20 pounds of fecal material stuck in our bowels. I'd seen something like this on the Internets before which, of course, makes it true.

These people say that's a crock of shit. A crock similar in mass to what a four-year old might produce (adjusted for size).

And I'm guessing they're not sporting Boston Blackie facial hair.

Posted by delmer at May 30, 2006 6:19 AM

Comments

Nice Ghostbusters reference.

I've seen that Irwin guy's advertisements. I think they show a picture of some lady's bowel movement that is as big as a leg...in the BATHTUB.

First of all, the picture is nasty and shocking. Secondly, who takes a dump in their bathtub?

Posted by: The Phoenix at May 30, 2006 8:13 PM

Sixty-six percent of the children I own have crapped in the bathtub.

The two that did it were somewhere around one-year old when they did it.

They both did it only once and have had, I'm guessing, well over 1000 craps (each) since, without one of them making it to the tub.

A BM in the tub? As good as it might feel doing it, at some point you gotta fish the thing out and dispose of it properly. I guess you could chunk it up and put it down the drain. Maybe use a mixer on it ... or a trolling motor.

Posted by: delmer at June 2, 2006 9:51 AM

This is the funniest blogpost I've read in... at least a year. You all sound so serious. LOL BM.

Posted by: Paul at June 6, 2006 6:27 AM