“Diane,” I said, when she picked up the phone, “you’re not going to believe what I bought at the mall. I was in Men’s Wearhouse today and when I left a young lady approached me and asked me if I was married.” Realizing it would be impossible to not suggest a strange young lady was working on one of my nails without pointing out she was holding my hand I continued with, “As I was telling her all about you and about all the joy you’ve brought to my life she started working on one of my finger nails.”
“She was holding your hand?”
“Well, not holding it so much as she had it in her hand. But that’s not important. What’s important is that she had this little block of foam-like stuff that she was rubbing back and forth across my nail and when she was done the nail sparkled.”
“She had a nail buffer…”
“No, not a buffer. This was more rectangular and square at the ends. Sort of like a kid’s block. It was like a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser – especially if you folded it in half lengthwise. Do you have Mr. Clean in Canada?
“I know exactly what you mean, and yes we have Mr. Clean,” she said. “She had a nail buffer.”
“No… it wasn’t a nail buffer. It was a foam-like block with four sides.”
“She used one side to buff the ridges off your nails and the other to make it shiny.”
The comment about ridges caught my attention as I’d remembered the gal saying something about ridges and them being buffed would explain the powder I’d seen on my nails. It hadn’t been magic-nail-tool powder – it had been nail-ridge dust. Still, I was too invested in my purchase to give in just yet. “When you say ‘buffer’ do you mean one of those things that’s like three or four Emery boards thick and a little bit bigger.” And then, because a bit of distraction never hurts in situations like this I added, “You have Mr. Clean? Do you have Mrs. Butterworth too?”
“I mean a softish block about the width and length of a travel-size Mrs. Butterworth. How much did you pay for this?”
And here we will take a break. I am an IT guy. And one, who until recently, had banged-up looking nails. Often, when I’m going from the SyFy channel to Comedy Central I’ll pass by one of the Home Shopping Networks and notice they’re selling a computer. Sometimes I’ll watch and wait for the sales wiener to get to all the bonuses that come with the computer and as he says things like, “You get Product A, Product B, Product C,” etc. I’ll say to myself, “freeware, freeware, trial ware” as I know the things I’d be getting for “free” if I buy that computer I could get on the net for free or as a trial (that I’d have to eventually pay for – just like the folks who buy one of those PCs will).
I know that because I spend a lot of time working on and reading about computers. I’m not in malls all that often and I’ve never had my nails done.
“Well,” I said, “It was $29.99.”
“You paid $29.99 for a nail buffer because a cute girl was selling it?”
“No, no, no. I never said she was cute,” because I’m not a total dumbass, “and I got some lotions too. And I’d already decided I’d pay $19.99 for the nail tool,” I was not yet willing to give in and call it a ‘buffer’, “so I got four bottles of lotion for ten bucks.”
“I can get a buffer from Sally Beauty Supply for one dollar,” she said matter-of-factly, and then to drive her point home she added, “Canadian…”
“That would be fine if this were a nail buffer we were talking about, but it’s a nail wonder-tool. And, besides, where are you going to find a Sally Beauty Supply in Canada?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I mean aside from the one that’s across from the London Drugs about a mile from your house?”
“Do you think it at all odd,” she said, “that this woman had her cart set up outside of a mens’ store?”
“I’m pretty sure it was just coincidence,” I said even as I thought back to the nail-tool kiosk, it’s location, and the fact the only other customer there was another guy who was having his nails worked on by the other non-mall-pixie working there.
“Well, at least it’s electric,” she said.
“It’s not electric,” I said, with a tone meant to convey a combination of ‘what made you think it was electric, I never said it was elcectric’ and ‘I can get an electric one of these! What mall do I have to go to for that?’ which, I think you’ll agree, is quite a bit to ask of a tone.
In the way of a footnote: Diane and I made a trip to the Sally Beauty Supply across from the London Drugs about a mile from her house and picked up something similar to the Nail Wonder Tool (because I still refuse to call it a buffer) I’d purchased; It was about $2.20. BUT… the one I’d purchased was larger and came with twelve – six of two different types – replacement surfaces. So, it’s like getting $13.00 worth of Nail Wonder Tools. When you consider the tool I purchased was larger – that is, it had more surface area and would therefore not wear out as fast – each surface was like having 1.5 surfaces of the smaller tool, which puts us over the $20 mark as this is my blog and we’re using my math. Since, the replacement surfaces will last longer, due to size, and since only the surfaces are thrown away and not the whole foam-like block, the tool I purchased will take up less landfill space per nail shined than the “buffer” Diane suggested I may have purchased. So… it is more green which may mean it can be used as a carbon offset. All of this is to say that while my Nail Wonder Tool and a Nail Buffer look and feel very similar (and they both make nails look stunning!), my gizmo is an extreme value, while a nail buffer is something that gets lost in the bottom of a purse.
And I got lotions, too.
(I’ll say, one more time, when the sales gal ran this thing across my nail, and it came away shining… I was amazed. I really need to get out more.)
So this was a cute french speaking nail “buffer”……that is so close to fluffer.
Your posts on this subject are hysterical and very well-written. Well done, my friend. I need to visit more often!
Too funny. I think this is where we focus on the positive which would be that you do, after all, take care of your nails. Way to go, Delmer!
**Diane: I’d advise that you NOT let him anywhere near any Tupperware or Pampered Chef home sales parties.
Hahahahahahahaha!!
Sucker born every minute eh?
MikeO: You and I may be the only commenters here who know what a ‘fluffer’ is.
Lisa: Thank you, and I agree… you should stop by more often.
HeatherD: Keeping me away from home parties is probably a great idea.
Sybil:
Nat: I prefer to think I overpaid by just a little. I did get lotions, after all.
I’m not convinced there is any other kind of SLAM experience once you tell the person with SLAW experience. I suggest you keep them to yourself unless you like the wind disappearing from your sails. Don’t need to hit me in the head with the brick 100 times. 99 is enough.